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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Family Prayer Time! Move!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shatila
    ASL Info:    17/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 67/56/13
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 198
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1166



    Description:
       My father is ruining my innocent chance at faith.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFamily Prayer Time! Move!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    My mouth still moves in perfect timing.

    Regardless
    of the lost practice
    you forced upon all of us,
    no one had the nerve
    to say it out loud.

    But I could still smell
    the burnt hair,
    the bloody tongue,
    the tasteful overheat
    of large hollow heads
    made from two-penny wax.

    We put into circulation
    a posse of no meanings, all girth;
    the silence stays clandestine
    beneath the held chin
    and laced fingers
    of your fellow victims.

    A sharp light
    shoots out of the darkness
    from the estranged window
    -- eight meters
    from the constant mumbling
    of words less meant.

    The light
    seems prettier by the second,
    more sincerely enticing;
    the freer of what it is
    I'm not being paid to do.

    My pupils
    dance to the song
    of the light outside,
    but nothing's changed.

    My mouth still moves in perfect timing.




    Submitted on 2006-02-17 12:46:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A sharp light
    shoots out of the darkness
    from the estranged window
    -- eight meters
    from the constant mumbling
    of words less meant.

    The light
    seems prettier by the second,
    more sincerely enticing;
    the freer of what it is
    I'm not being paid to do.

    My pupils
    dance to the song
    of the light outside,
    but nothing's changed.

    My mouth still moves in perfect timing.



    This sounds like someone well versed in repetition, someone who's mouthed dozens of "Hail Mary"'s and "Our Father"'s until the number of prayers became more potent than their content. Frankly,the fascination with light at the end of the piece leaves the reader with the sense the 'narrator' understands the beauty of religion better than those who measure salvation according to ritual. At least those are my thoughts.

    Nicely done, btw.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-12-30 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a well-worded piece. However, I think your enjambment seems a bit off in some places - the words that you end your lines with in some places don't seem to be the one's that really should have as much emphasis as you have given them - enjambment does that to a degree so it's something I have to point out.

    Two parts don't seem as well-worded as the rest -
    'the freer of what it is
    I'm not being paid to do.'
    - this is kinda messy and I think you could reword this. It's the word 'freer' I think, in relation to 'of what it is' that doesn't make much sense. Maybe you meant 'freedom'?

    And this part -
    'from the constant mumbling
    of words less meant.'
    - the inverted syntax of 'words less meant' doesn't make much sense to me either. Perhaps you were going for something like 'of words that mean less'? Or something like that? Just a thought.

    Forgive my intrusion but I went through this re-enjambing the line-breaks to how it sounds more natural to me. I also went through this with dropping some capitalization that wasn't consistent with the rest of this piece, and also with slight punctuation changes. Of course, these are just suggestions - so use, modify or discard what I'm about to put forth here...

    My mouth still moves in perfect timing.

    Regardless
    of the lost practice
    you forced upon all of us,
    no one had the nerve
    to say it out loud.

    But I could still smell
    the burnt hair,
    the bloody tongue,
    the tasteful overheat
    of large hollow heads
    made from two-penny wax.

    We put into circulation
    a posse of no meanings, all girth;
    the silence stays clandestine
    beneath the held chin
    and laced fingers
    of your fellow victims.

    A sharp light
    shoots out of the darkness
    from the estranged window
    -- eight meters
    from the constant mumbling
    of words less meant.

    The light
    seems prettier by the second,
    more sincerely enticing;
    the freer of what it is
    I'm not being paid to do.

    My pupils
    dance to the song
    of the light outside,
    but nothing's changed.

    My mouth still moves in perfect timing.

    I did enjoy this piece... I sense a longing for freedom, and a feeling of dejectedness emanates from this piece - like you are a doll sitting on a mantelpiece or something. But I also get the feeling that you'll be changing these circumstances and will become more assertive with what you desire in life.

    But this is just what it makes me think.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]



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