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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Darkness of Beingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jeremy Six
    ASL Info:    20 / male / Lucid Dreams
    Elite Ratio:    4.56 - 16/22/8
    Words: 129
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 799
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 773



    Description:
       Taste the irony.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Darkness of Beingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The angry young man writing poetry furiously
    Demands and implores to be taken so seriously,
    And the people who read him laugh and ignore
    Him, insult and abuse him and call him a bore.
    Their words cannot stop him, he knows he's a hero,
    Despite their attempts to paint him a zero.
    Only he has been blessed with such sensitive seeing
    And painful experience of the darkness of being.
    Only he with his pen can tell them the truth,
    Of the anger, the pain, and the wisdom of youth.
    He will forge in his soul a work of such splendor;
    They amaze at the beauty and truth it will render.
    For his is an artistry that none can compare,
    His style, his substance, his talent so rare.




    Submitted on 2006-02-17 17:51:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I am definately going to check through your poems you do have a voice worth hearing and the rhyme works well here and I'm not normally keen on rhyme. However, I think that the 'they amaze' here seems odd.

    He will forge in his soul a work of such splendor;
    They amaze at the beauty and truth it will render

    maybe you could go with

    He will forge in his soul a work of such splendor;
    To amaze them with the beauty and truth it will render

    I'm not sure that is right either, perhaps

    He will forge in his soul a work of such splendor;
    They'll be amazed at the beauty and truth it will render

    Apart from that slight hicup, I think the rest is great.

    love and peace
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      To have such an intense desire to be heard, there must be something worth hearing. To tell me you have 'a talent so rare' is one thing, to write something so powerfully moving that no self congratulation is in order is quite another thing. Explore everything in the world that interests you; keep journals, take notes, write impressions of people/places/activities (the same way painters draw subject matter from sketchbooks), then let the material speak with your voice. I wish you the best in your writing and life. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the emotion. I think we all of us (meaning every humane being) have a little peice of this character inside of us. we're all screaming to be heard and though we may be a little arrogant about it sometimes, it's still something we all need to express sometimes, and it can be a tool used in bettering ourselves.
    Then ending esp captured this emotion i think. i saw a little peice of my youth (and i'll admit i still get like this from time to time) in this peice.
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by TT | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the emotion and thought behind this a lot.

    The first couple versions of this comment involved freestyle writing vs. rhyme and I still feel that you might be losing a bit of your raw power in the rhyme structure.

    On the other hand, the more I read this the more apparent it is that your rhymes aren't really getting in the way so maybe you're not losing that much.

    Whatever you do, don't lose heart. Your talent is there.

    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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