The Ghosts of Autumn (Remake)
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Description:
I wrote the original "Ghosts of Autumn" one year ago approxiamtely. I read it, thought it was terrible, so wrote it again and possibly made it even more terrible.
It wasn't very clear on the last poem, but this poem isn't actually about autumn. I sort of expressed that extremely badly last time.
Hoping this one is better - Lulu la Feyne
It wasn't very clear on the last poem, but this poem isn't actually about autumn. I sort of expressed that extremely badly last time.
Hoping this one is better - Lulu la Feyne
The Ghosts of Autumn (Remake)
In the mist of the morning, before the start of day A blown-about ship pulled into the quay On the top of the hill, I sat and watched As masses of passengers stepped onto the docks The icy wind blew through my hair The old ghosts of autumn danced in the air The wind moaned a hymn to darken my mood Thoughts of despair continued to brood The ghosts had made the world seem blue And out of the masses of passengers, not one of them was you. Long, long, ago in childish delight The old ghosts of autumn painted a sight A new born baby with sprites in his eyes: The first time you saw the ghosts of autumn arrive Forever the ghosts will come and go, I don’t fathom much, but this I do know Following your departure, I came to learn That unlike the ghosts of autumn, you would never return. In a summer of youth, now gone forever We wandered into love, alone but together We stood by the altar, then stood by the sea As the blithe eyes of heaven were smiling on me But when our fortunes were about to ascend, Autumn that year signalled an end. A blown-about ship pulled into the quay The ghosts of autumn would take you away That year my thoughts were of you only Through the winter bleak, and springtime lonely The summer that year was unusually bare, Knowing when the autumn ghosts came, you wouldn’t be there Forever the ghosts will come and go I don’t fathom much, but this I do know Huddled on the beach, clothed in black Knowing unlike the ghosts of autumn, you wouldn’t be back. Even now, with my many years of age, I still can bethink our happiest days And every time the autumn leaves start to move, My fallen soldier, I think of you. I’ll always remember, and I’ll always miss The sound of your breathing, the feel of your kiss The last time I held you in my arms still alive, The last time you saw the ghosts of autumn arrive |
Submitted on 2006-02-18 02:51:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| I did not read the earlier version, but I liked this one. I think it's clear now that your poem is not about autumn, but about a lost love, died in battle. The flow was good, throughout the poem, and I think that's pretty skilful, because of the length. I can't think why this one is even more terrible. Darth | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ] | This was very nice. A epic tale of love lost and longing for one's return. I think you did good in relaying the tale to the readers. Your rhyming was very good. And I liked the lenght of this. Even with all the last lines to each stanza being uneven, this flowed so well. I was surprised by that. I don't see anything majorly wrong with this. I was not here a year ago, so I am glad you brought this back. A Very good job. | Maggie | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ] | Epic as all get out. The analogy between autumn and a lost love is very apparent, and I think you've done a great job here. | 'That year my thoughts were of you only Through the winter bleak, and springtime lonely The summer that year was unusually bare, Knowing when the autumn ghosts came, you wouldn’t be there Forever the ghosts will come and go I don’t fathom much, but this I do know Huddled on the beach, clothed in black Knowing unlike the ghosts of autumn, you wouldn’t be back.' These two were especially strong, and the weaving of seasonal emotions really shines through. Thanks for sharing, Todd | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ] | Don't know what the first write was like so I can't tell how much of an improvement you made on the poem, but I believe you did a wonderful job on telling of the love lost and the weaving of the season into the piece was done every well,I found myself thinking of this as being written along the lines of the old masters,as this is exceptionaly well done | adnil | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ] | This is a really powerful write where you express your love for your Soulmate | I truly like how you showed us that even though death may take ones physical pressence away there spirit lives on in our Hearts Thank You for sharing this Beautiful Write God Bless Ron | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] | |
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