A roseatte crowd of color manifests my mind
Emerald fog rests beneath the fading sunshine
Across the shining bay
Shines every thing you say
And I can’t wait to sail across
Golden paths twist and ‘round quilted fields they wind
Warm rose faces glow in the fading sunshine
Across our lives lay pathways
Together we go along today
And I can’t wait to get lost
Ocean hues of blue haze caress my eyes
Cream pie clouds fall lazy in the fading sunshine
Across a sea of waves
What’s left to remember fades
And I can’t wait to sail across
Fading with laughter
Leaving a memory behind
No one knows ‘til after
They’re gonna miss the sunshine
Given that I am a big fan of sunshine, morning, play of light, nature, and everything around that light, I was wonderfully struck by your poem. It has this essence of purity in it, this casual mesmerizing manner of looking at the world that I found particularly endearing. :)
I like images, most normal words bring to my head, a memory, or an image, its just the way I look at things. And you have used images to perfection. "cream pie clouds"? I mean, now that you have mentioned it, I can look out at those big fluffs of happiness and think cream pie and wonder how it could suit so well. :D There were others, even emerald fog, all those descriptions were unique and pretty.
"Golden paths twist and ‘round quilted fields they wind"
That would be my favorite line in the poem.
One additional thing, when you said, "Shines everything you say" you did mean the sunshine lighting up the world across the bay, right? The way I see it, you wishing to sail across and the repetition of it enhances the flow of the poem. Was it you chasing the sunshine, the sunshine that people miss a minute too late?
Lovely. I love it. I'll fav it soon. But right now, I must run.
I really like the first line; it immediately drew me to the poem. Your repetition of images creates a sense of serenity/security, which makes the loss in the last stanza especially effective. I didn't notice this the first time, but when i looked again i saw that the last stanza begins with fading and ends with sunshine, which i found a very intriguing trick. given that these are lyrics, your use of descriptive imagery and assonance is lovely.
Wow. I love the repitition! I deffinately agree with dreamexandra; "Your repitition of images creates a sense of serentiy/security, which makes the loss in the last stanza especially effective."
"Across the shining bay Shines every thing you say And I can’t wait to sail across" & "What’s left to remember fades And I can’t wait to sail across"
This bugs me a bit because, even though you're going for repitition, "and I can't wait to sail across" doesn't feel as though it should be repeated.
Well, take it or leave it. That's the cool thing about advice; the decision to use or discard is up to the writer.
Submission Name: Fading Sunshine
