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Author: Jinxed
ASL Info:    18/f/az
Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 23 /21 /14
Words: 104
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 828
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 700




Living in a desert.
where a smiling sun
beats down from the sky.
Everlasting heat.

Some days sweeping soft sand
off concrete porches;
facing the sunset
of a sitcom-bad day.

Some days sweeping dead leaves,
red rose petals that
hardend into orange,
making young men cry out.

Somedays I'm laying there ,
in a calm blank stare,
at that smiling sun
seeing what the world means

Like sweeping soft sand
in a dark lost land
treading to a stop
in a lake filled with years.

smile at the fish that are eating you.

Submitted on 2006-02-18 16:07:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Another possibility for S1L6 is:
That's just summer in a lie.
And I agree with Alia that "in a lie" is a touch awkward to wrap one's brain around. If you do decide to keep the wording, a full stop of some sort on the end of the previous line would help out - either a period, semi-colon, or a dash.

I had some trouble with S5. Nothing specific - just didn't really feel the metaphore all that well. Maybe a subtle forshadow somewhere earlier in the poem would help.

| Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to agree with Alia; "this was a bit more disconnected than need be." The idea is a good one, but you just don't seem to have quite figured out a good way to structure it.

There also doesn't seem to be a true rythm or pattern of any sort, which makes it difficult for the reader to get into this piece.

My only suggestion? Put a little more time into checking for mechanical errors and creating a flow, because the idea is wonderful... Ideas just tend to get lost when there's a shaky structure.

~The Original Sock Rocker~
| Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by T.O.S.R. | [ Reply to This ]
  Damned typos :) Did you mean "wondering" instead of "wandering"?

I would suggest the word, "Treading" instead of the line, "swimming to a stop". I believe it would give it the illusion of stasis and complacency while you "smile at the fish that are eating you."

Well, that's about it think. I like it :)
| Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Shaqua1973 | [ Reply to This ]
  It's wonderful. I hope to see your next works:) I wish life wasn't as hard as it is., but it isn't worth having if you don't have to fight for it. Sometimes the brawl is a little to intense though. You WILL see sunshine again:)
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Shaqua1973 | [ Reply to This ]

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