L

Author: Jinxed ASL Info:    18/f/az Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 23 /21 /14 Words: 104

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 828 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 700

Description:

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L

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Living in a desert. where a smiling sun beats down from the sky. Everlasting heat. Some days sweeping soft sand off concrete porches; facing the sunset of a sitcom-bad day. Some days sweeping dead leaves, red rose petals that hardend into orange, making young men cry out. Somedays I'm laying there , in a calm blank stare, at that smiling sun seeing what the world means Like sweeping soft sand in a dark lost land treading to a stop in a lake filled with years. smile at the fish that are eating you.

Submitted on 2006-02-18 16:07:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

Another possibility for S1L6 is: That's just summer in a lie. And I agree with Alia that "in a lie" is a touch awkward to wrap one's brain around. If you do decide to keep the wording, a full stop of some sort on the end of the previous line would help out - either a period, semi-colon, or a dash. I had some trouble with S5. Nothing specific - just didn't really feel the metaphore all that well. Maybe a subtle forshadow somewhere earlier in the poem would help. -Frank

| Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]

I have to agree with Alia; "this was a bit more disconnected than need be." The idea is a good one, but you just don't seem to have quite figured out a good way to structure it. There also doesn't seem to be a true rythm or pattern of any sort, which makes it difficult for the reader to get into this piece. My only suggestion? Put a little more time into checking for mechanical errors and creating a flow, because the idea is wonderful... Ideas just tend to get lost when there's a shaky structure. ~The Original Sock Rocker~

| Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by T.O.S.R. | [ Reply to This ]

Damned typos :) Did you mean "wondering" instead of "wandering"? I would suggest the word, "Treading" instead of the line, "swimming to a stop". I believe it would give it the illusion of stasis and complacency while you "smile at the fish that are eating you." Well, that's about it think. I like it :)

| Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Shaqua1973 | [ Reply to This ]

It's wonderful. I hope to see your next works:) I wish life wasn't as hard as it is., but it isn't worth having if you don't have to fight for it. Sometimes the brawl is a little to intense though. You WILL see sunshine again:)

| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Shaqua1973 | [ Reply to This ]

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