here i fall again
and again i shatter
i desire a friend
but does it matter
just like all my life
and all my desires
they're nothing
but gas on the fire
hope for a momment
then burnt away
all along, i've know it
happiness won't come my way
i have to look
i have to find
if i ever want
this joy to be mine
so i force myself up
on my broken legs
the pain is more than enough
to drive me insane
but determination
throws me at my goal
i'm going to reach the end
even if i'm not whole.
throw my ashes
over the finish line
and i'll die
feeling just fine
it's kamikazii
the world
against me
but i fight
cause i'm a stuborn jackass
i wll fight
till i have what i want...
...at last...
what is thy desire... you say your goal and i wish to know that goal if you are anything like i think you are then i would believe that your desire is to finish this game then die even if you are driven to insanity you wont stop...i may be wrong...or i may not...tell me what is thy desire...
Since I am the first to comment (yay) I will point out your spelling errors.
I thought this was a nice line, "so i force myself up on my broken legs the pain is more than enough to drive me insane"
I also thought the title was a good choice. I have to say though, this is also not one of your best. It's different, and I like it, but I think it could be better.
This also caught my eye: hope for a momment then burnt away all along, i've know it happiness won't come my way
I think you just need to mellow out for a bit, and then go back and edit it. Look at it with a new perspective, grasshopper. :)
i like what you called this...lol a 'hybrid poem' ...thats cute
...poetry can be an awesome way of venting. ...a very healthy way at that.
obviously there are soom deep feelings you hold within yourself. and you've done a great job of showing that in this piece.
it is dark, gloomy, it has a sad feel. but that is great for a poem of this sort. i think you've done a terrific job on this one.
usually i dont like poems with rhymes at the end of the lines. i sometimes think they take away from choice of words and make it sound corny but i think you've done a good job with the rhyme in this poem
The fact that it was trampled and pock-marked by grammatical and spelling errors almost did not make me want to read it. I did read it, and liked it, but the spelling errors and such made me twitch. O.o
Flat out, it was a great write, the flow was excellent (I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say anything with the word "flow" in it, but heck!) and I enjoyed reading it. Once it has been edited, such as Torie suggested, it will be much more enjoyable.
hmmm... interesting poem. I cannot honestly say it was one of my favorite poems. I like the words you chose and the theme of the poem. but i must agree with Raging Rain that there were a lot of gramatical problems. maybe it was on purpose but I do not know. I do not know whay there was a space towards the end of the poem or why the format of the poem changed in that last excerpt. But despite all that it was a good poem.
Submission Name: ...Dark Determination...
