God by T.O.S.R.

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Submission Name: God dots

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Author:	T.O.S.R.
ASL Info:	16/F/Utah
Elite Ratio:	4.04 - 53/53/15
Words:	121

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	154
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	740

Description:
Just a spur-of-the-moment write I did in August, 2005. I want to polish it up and creat a better piece, so I'd like ideas in any comments. Please and thank you.

God

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A feeling no one seems to understand.
A love so many think they've found.
It's cold and wet out in the rain,
but I've never been quite this content.

I close my eyes and spread my arms;
the raindrops feel so soft,
that I do not feel the tears,
and, in that moment, I am there.

In a place so warm and familiar,
that I forget I'm in the rain.
A smiling face that I have lost,
smiles down on me once more.

I open my mouth to speak,
but thunder stops me dead.
My eyes open and my lips smile,
as an orange sunset with rays of light,
tells me that everything will be alright.

Submitted on 2006-02-20 14:20:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This brings tears to my eyes. To see a sixteen year old feeling the Lord in her heart, there is nothing better than that. You've touched me with this poem and you've opened the door to his love. That is just awesome.

Beautiful.

Blessed by his saving grace,

Sorrel
| Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
  A feeling no one seems to understand;
a love so many think they've found.
It's cold and wet out in the rain, <-cold and wet? Two dollar words. Go for something better. "Chill and slick", maybe?
but I've never been quite this content.

I close my eyes and spread my arms;
the raindrops feel so soft
that I do not feel the tears<-I get the purpose of the two middle lines but perhaps some better descriptive words would benefit.
and, in that moment, I am there.

In a place so warm and familiar
that I forget I'm in the rain.<- :heart:
A smiling face that I have lost
beams down on me once more.

I open my mouth to speak,<-kind of a blah line, but I like the idea.
but thunder stops me dead. <-:heart:
My eyes open and my lips smile<-you've already used smile. try "grin" or something.
as an orange sunset with rays of light
tells me that everything will be alright.

[/edited]

Good work.

Vintage Emotion. :heart:

| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Vintage Emotion | [ Reply to This ]
  I see what you're doing with this poem; how you're using the weather compared with love.
The vision you gave me (as a reader) was a bit vivid, but could do much better. Maybe a longer poem with more 'feeling' into it would do. You said you wanted to revise it, so I guess I can [try to] help:
"A feeling no one seems to understand.
A love so many think they've found.
It's cold and wet out in the rain,
but I've never been quite this content."
I'm assuming the word 'it's' is referring to love. The way I view it is: the love you have may have been a bit rocky, or not as happy; but you still have it.
"and, in that moment, I am there."
You are where exactly? Why are you there?
"I open my mouth to speak,
but thunder stops me dead."
Why exactly does the thunder stop you dead?
You don't have to answer those questions in the poem, but you have to make it so I can understand them; without you actually answering it for me. (Does that make sense..?)
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Ebony Medvick | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't think there is much need for improvement with this piece. I wouldn't have understood what you were talking about here about a week ago, but if you read my recent journal entry than you'll understand...well, that I understand.

God is always there, even when we don't think He is. I've come to realize that the hard way, because I'm so stinking stubborn. ^_^'

Wonderful write, thanks for the fantastic gift.

Kichi
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  If you are actually trying to make this a powerful poem, then consider your audience. Is this piece for those who believe in God, or for those who don't? What are you trying to accomplish with it? If you are trying to speak to those who do not believe as you believe, then you've got a hard piece to sell. You can either try to convince them they want to feel this bliss you feel---which won't go over well, regardless of how good the writing is---or you can try to describe this moment such that they are happy for you. (As per your description, I'm assuming this is autobiographical... another interesting take is if the speaker is unlike you.) And if you're just preachin' to the choir, then, well done.

It is also interesting to read this without the title.... what do you think the average reader would conjure up without the explicit pre-mention of "God"? Personally, I think they would think of comfort, of unconditional love, of forgiveness, of belonging, ... of all those good things typically attributed to a relationship with God, but without the personal feelings they may or may not associate with such a word.
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
  Man... randomly I have come across two of Bitterlilly's comments and both of them are plain rude and pesimistic. Agai, as I said to the other author... Don't listen to her.

I like this write, I think it can hold depth, rain-drops = cleansing? Sunrise = warmth, love=warmth, light on your face = God. That is the very very plain way of looking at this, I think all you need is more depth, and dres it up in a way that others can relate more... It is hard to be where you were, but there is more than one scenario that portrays these same concepts, so prhaps try to incorporate other events that felt similar.

A side-note: There is only one way to truly come to know God, and that is being in His word daily and seeking him through scripture. All other aspects are important and needed, but you can never have a true relationship with Christ without being in the word of God. It is all just a glimpse that is more fleeting than a shooting star, if you don't beome consumed by His word.

Cheers
Tom
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]

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