Good job. I like the repitition at the beginning of each verse, it emphasizes the "shotgun girl" almost feels like a song. Lets see, i really really like these lines here:
"i'll splice your mind sweetly pick it apart from the earthen floor"
They really add filling and feeling to your poem. and the "sweetly pick it apart" part makes it seem like its almost some kind of happy moment for the narrator. good job with that. I also agree with koster, your choice of words made it feel like the carnage was done with a knife instead of a gun. it would have been better if the poem was written with "gun language" if you get what i'm trying to say. but other than that, it was good, especially that line i mentioned.
Good job. I like the repitition at the beginning of each verse, it emphasizes the "shotgun girl" almost feels like a song. Lets see, i really really like these lines here:
"i'll splice your mind sweetly pick it apart from the earthen floor"
They really add filling and feeling to your poem. and the "sweetly pick it apart" part makes it seem like its almost some kind of happy moment for the narrator. good job with that. I also agree with koster, your choice of words made it feel like the carnage was done with a knife instead of a gun. it would have been better if the poem was written with "gun language" if you get what i'm trying to say. but other than that, it was good, especially that line i mentioned.
You're a greater writer and I loved this submission. Hrmm...I made a mistake in not reading the last one (perhaps). That is /all/ you're getting out of me. If I'm too nice I'll end up vomiting from all the happiness.
excellent! how about dropping the "shall" in the last line? I like it you might consider trying words that evoke shooting, bullets etc instead of severed (knives) or splice (cutting)
It's funny I just killed one me ya few days ago, oh it didn't hurt, not at all. But it you're talking about leaving behind a way of being that isn't working anymore, yes it is very wise.
but the poem, it's packed with deadly force, but I agree if the heart's been destroyed, what good is the rest of it?
I got here just in time for a new poem.. and a good one too! Don't stop writing again miss m, you need to write!
Submission Name: Silencer:: (Shotgun Girl)
