First Snow & Falcon Fell by FrankBlissett

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Submission Name: First Snow & Falcon Fell dots

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Author:	FrankBlissett
Elite Ratio:	5.17 - 206/191/66
Words:	130

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	296
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1069

Description:
Here are two poems - "First Snow" and "The Falcon Fell". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.

First Snow & Falcon Fell dots

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First Snow

Freezing rain and ice cold wind,
Then snow-white flakes.

Skiing across sculpted fields,
First tracks.

Sledding down powderpuff hills,
First Run.

Ice-skates laced up tight,
First fall.

Tobogganing through a snowball fight,
While a snowman smiles a crooked smile.

All around, the beauty of a childhood winter.

The Falcon Fell

The falcon fell,
Pulling a snake from the sky.
A spirit of air
By my side with bloodied eye.

I batted him off my blanket,
Into a brown tangle of grass.
There he lie unmoving and damp,
The snake in his talons a dying mass.

ed note: Nessie caught a "fat-finger" of mine - it's been corrected.

Submitted on 2006-02-21 04:28:10 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Falcon Fell has more of an impact for me. It lends itself well to image and to having a psychic weight that the snow poem doesn't have. I like how it leaves me wondering about what exactly happened... about the rest of the story, but it also has to such symbolic images, I could read almost anything into the poem. I do have one point to make, though. 'lie' is the wrong word. It should either be lay, past tense, or lies, present tense. While the whole poem is in the past tense, it might be interesting to keep the last two lines in the present... an eternal moment of death in a way.
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  First snow was nice, but the last line weakened it for me. It sounded more like an adult savoring the experiences for the first time this year. Kind of like building the first fire in the fireplace or smelling the summer's dust burning off the heaters.

I'm afraid Falcon Fell was over my head. Is it an allusion to native South American religion?

Steve
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  The first poem has all the charm of winter childhood but the imagery in the second is more unusual if a little difficult to grasp in places and it seems to jump for example the last line of this stanza.

The falcon fell,
Pulling a snake from the sky.
A spirit of air
By my side with bloodied eye.

also I think that you may have transposed your letters in the title. Unless, I have missed something and you do mean flacon.
love and peace
nessie
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked the second poem better than the first. the end lines of both poems weakened them for me.
however the falcon fell evokes more mystery and appeals from a few levels. I can take it as an actual bird, shot or killed, or bitten by a snake...or as the subconcious (sleeping covered by a blanket) reaction to grappling with an internal moral issue...or...

the snow poem just ends weakly to me...as though the last line is there to explain why the thoughts were there at all...and yet, why just for children? the first heavy snowfall is magical for everyone..it transforms, it opens possibilities...
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
  first snow, highly and in more ways than one, reminds me of some of the best calvin and hobbes strips i have ever come across, evoking a feel for countless hours of fun in white-blindness and grey sky, foggy breath. first snow definitely struck a resonant chord. tobogganing is such fun word, nice touch in making it into a verb. i tend to agree that the word "childhood" seems a bit forced, as one could easily interpret it as being something for children, with all the commotion in winter.

falcon fell the title sounds good, very good in fact. i have a soft spot for alliterations as one might notice from mine posts. leaves me with a naturesque feel with your subjects. predator and prey... the bloodied eye may have come from the action of hunting in itself... an interesting foray into falconry and ornithology..

peace.
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
  Haven't commented and I need to so who better than you?

How are you?
I thought the Falcon Fell was a stronger piece out of the two. I liked First Snow much better though. I see how you write and it is graceful and such. I feel disconnected from the idea of the piece but not entirely. I see kids, probably 3 of them playing in a huge blizzard in the middle of an isolated field.

The idea is there and it is great. I'm not sure what it is supposed to be. First Snow, First Run, First Fall. Is it the sequence of our lives? Life depicted through this scene, our phases of 'Snow','Run' and 'Fall'.

I like to think it is although I might be off.

The poem in itself is very emotional under the lighthearted surface. Underneath it feels as if is about a breakingpoint where those characters might exalt---or you yourself through observation.

| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Dr.Strangelove | [ Reply to This ]

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