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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the farewelldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 336



    Description:
       well... this was somethin i wrote after breaking up with ia girl i had ..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe farewelldots
    -------------------------------------------


    The farewell was unavoidable
    Your dreams were not in my realm
    Every lie meant a mile of distance between us
    Your sincerity was beyond my fears.

    You flew to your home
    Where dark beings live in your mystical kingdom
    While my solitude kept close to me
    And convert my tears to blood




    Submitted on 2006-02-21 16:03:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nicely done little piece here. You did a good job with the imagery. I liked it a lot. I might delete 'was' in line 4. Other than that pretty good.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, I reckon nearly but not quite.

    The idea is nice, with the alluding to the "realms" of you and your love. I'd drop the repetition of "kingdom" why not use "realm"

    change "convert" to "converted"

    that's about all, it could lengthen somewhat, as it's pretty short, but it's a nice story.

    well done

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      um... is this poem telling us what we think it's telling us about this girl and the reason(s) you broke up?... i admit, it was short and... well, sweet isn't the right word. It was good. Kinda hollow, but with an eirie echo...
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by diamonds_2_dust | [ Reply to This ]
      In this write I really like how you draw the simalarities between pain and blood
    That is a very interesting way of looking at it
    I liked this
    Great Write
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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