No One is Perfect... by Kersofmia

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Submission Name: No One is Perfect... dots

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Author:	Kersofmia
ASL Info:	19/m/Mia
Elite Ratio:	5.51 - 111/84/44
Words:	146

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	213
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	910

Description:
What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

No One is Perfect... dots

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When I look at my reflection,
I get a slight detection,
That I might be headed in the wrong direction,

With the clock as my enemy,
And all these hypocrites that want to act so friendly,
I have started to realize,
The inevitable issues that will lead to my demise,

They all point to the small fractures,
That were made when I was manufactured,
My whole life has been misled,
And the true potential of my ideas misfed,

All my faith in humanity,
Will only end in tragedy,
And all the nonsense that I speak,
Keeps exposing that I am really weak,

And I will continue to build the trust,
That no matter what will incinerate and turn to dust,
And with all my imperfections and grudges,
I can not wait until I get the chance,
To meet the man who judges.

Submitted on 2006-02-21 16:55:19 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I do not consider this forced writing at all
In fact I consider this a very clever way of expressing yourself
This dosent have the so called normal style of rhyming poetry
Its like you invented your own style
Very clever indeed my friend
and also
With this write you showed you are far from weak
In fact I would consider you quite strong
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  OK...I think your writing does come across as forced in a number of places. But you know, nothing is perfect as you are trying to point out and a number of lines are very good. I personally think that as a writers I want my feelings to be put out there so that the reader gets my real message. Your piece does not seem to accomplish that. You have a number of conflicting feeling in this write that clash to the point that it misdirects the reader. Just some ideas to think about. Your on the right path -no worries.
| Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by Daokao | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, to be honest I must say I disliked this poem, but I don't want to offend you in any way so I'll just point out the reasons why I disliked it.

Well first off the I found the word usage to be a little bit on the bland side. It's fine to use a rhyming scheme and they can be really effective, but for some reason it just did not fit here. I found them all to be rather forced, which kind of made the poem a little skippy.

I thought that the message you are trying to display is just fine, but I believe you have the potential to make it more of an effective punch, by letting your words act a little more freely. I would recommend by letting the words come to you and not trying to search for words that rhyme with the last concurring word. You still may find yourself with a few rhymes here and there. It may not show a distinctive pattern but you may find that it has more meaning.

Overall Assesment: Well the inward meaning with religion was displayed just fine. No matter what one does in life, there may be an ultimate judgement in the end, not my personal belief but you spoke it well here. I found the rhyming to be forced. Thats about all I got.

I don't know just kind of my feelings on that subject, and I hope it was slightly constructive critque.

Have a good one

Mitchy
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by MuckyMuckpoop | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting theme. What I get from this is that you are stretching your ideas about humanity, life, and religion. It's a time of questioning for you. Wondering if what you have been taught it accurate and worthwhile.

I think that the last stanza is my favorite. If God is loving, kind, and just he has to judge everyone on the same thing. and the only thing we all have in common is the intents of our hearts. He knows our shortcomings. I think it's how we improve ourselves, and help those around us that will decide how we measuer up in the end.

Overall assessment: The rhymes are good, the only part that caught me off guard was the triple rhyme in the first stanza, followed my the couplets throughout the rest of the piece. (It didn't detract, just twigged my nit-picking brain a little.)

I really enjoyed this piece,

Thanks for sharing!

Chell
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved the rhyming but I am going to have to agree I did not really like the poem as a whole. It was well written just a little “bland” anyways I really hope I am not discouraging you in any way because that is not my intention. Nice subject to write about though.
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by SonAsylum | [ Reply to This ]
  Dude, i am not religious whatsoever, but nice piece. I liked the simple rhyme scheme and i can relate, except with the last line. now check out my new one MAD WORLD!!!
| Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by Silenced poet | [ Reply to This ]

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