yesterday i had lunch at this great little thai place
once in the door it was another world
no silverware on the tables at all
only chopsticks wrapped in fancy paper
i had this great curry
chicken with onions and peas and anise
and thai beer at noon
(alchohol numbs things that need to be numbed)
bowls of rice and fortune cookies wrapped in plastic
the waitress who gave directions to the korean grocery
the sun was shining and it was good.
in the parking lot the knife wound of your absence is fresh again
you were looking forward to doing the cooking
because you thought i was a klutz in the kitchen
and going to college to study literature
at night we were going to attend poetry readings
we talked about buying a new toaster
and where we would go grocery shopping
i still look for you at the door when i come home
god, i wanted to share magical sunsets with you
why did you leave?
I LOVED no I FELL IN LOVE with the first paragraph of this poem. LOL Sorry, when a writer really digs into the core of something, I get a little nutz! But seriously, the first paragraph of this work is amazing. I've been to thai restaraunts and even though the wording wasn't dramatic, I still could feel the atmosphere, the scents, and the food. I demonically grinned at the line (alcohol numbs things that need to be numbed) Hard-core and thrilling, the truth is, don't you agree? I liked your departure of this stanza with "the sun was shining and it was good" It showed me of some strength or immense pain because the character was resorting to a voice like God.
Unfortuanetly, with good there is some bad. Your first paragraph was so brilliant that I was hooked to it. You than transitioned points of view by actually talking to someone so abruptly that I got confused. One minute, you're in a restaraunt and the next , you're discussing college and heartache. I'm not sure if the food reminded you of someone you lost or there are literally two seperate scenes and meanings to this poem
I suggest, if the meaning is a nostalgic reminiscence of someone while eating lunch, make the poem longer. Ease your way from paragraph one (the introduction) to paragraph two (the climax). Go into detail by saying maybe a certain color of food reminded you of you're abandoned one's hair or skin color. Show the reader that this isn't an ordinary lunch but one full of memory and pain. I also might suggest changing the rhyming of "evenings" and "readings". This is the type of poem that might ruin itself if it rhymed or had a pattern.
The work is a topic of turmoil and subtle grief. The innocense of rhyming may destroy the bitter voice that I fell head over heals for in the first paragraph. Decide if this poem is an outlet of anger or sadness. I think with some tweeking, you could have the reader in shackles. But PLEASE don't change the first paragraph. It's the backbone of the work. I hope this helps you and good luck as you master this work and your life!
Interesting work, my friend. First half of the poem...life was good. The second half of the poem...the alcohol had lost its effects. Your writing is excellent, but you don't need me to tell you that for certain. What this poem showed me is what we all feel after a breakup...reality of loss always sets in, even after the most enjoyable of afternoons. Were you trying to make the reader feel one mood, and then suddenly pull the rug out from underneath them? I like the foreshadowing of things to some in the second part of the poem with the alcohol/numbing comment...good stuff!
Submission Name: THAI LUNCH
