Hidden Haven by T.O.S.R.

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Submission Name: Hidden Haven dots

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Author:	T.O.S.R.
ASL Info:	16/F/Utah
Elite Ratio:	4.04 - 53/53/15
Words:	59

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nature
Total Views:	200
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	465

Description:
Okay, I had to force this piece out of me for a school assignment, so it really sucks. I want any and all ideas that come to mind on how to revise this and make it a good poem. Please and thank you!!

Hidden Haven dots

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It's when nothing else matters.
It's wordless meaning.
It's priceless beauty.
It's where the chains come off.

It's the sounds been long forgotten,
the smells so calm and soft.
It's the sights so far away,
the breeze just like a kiss.

It's the essense of inspiration,
the epitomy of calm.
It's where roads end
and imagination begins.

Submitted on 2006-02-22 09:03:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I think you should precede each line with It's. or use the rhyme scheme mentioned by Natalia. You have written a really good poem. It's the way I feel sitting beside the lake or river. There is such a feeling of peace and tranquility. The been is incorrect and not needed. Overall it's a fine poem,it just needs a little tweaking to complete it. Keep on writing, I'll look forward to more of it to read. I hope that I have been of help.
Ms. Gifted
| Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by Ms. Gifted | [ Reply to This ]
  ITS IMAGINATION'S BEGINNING
NOW THE ROAD HAS COME TO END {[AS A SUGGESTION}}

i ALSO WOULD DROP THE WORD "BEEN"

OTHER THAN THOSE MINOR OBSEVATIONS...EXCELLENT POEM. THANKS..MADE ME FEEL AS THOUG I WAS RELAXING AND READY TO START CREATING. THANKS!
| Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
  It does not suck at all. Its actually quite good. I will give you a standing ovation *stands, claps* and will congratulate you on such a wonderful piece. Maybe that will give you the confidence you need to be proud of what you have accomplished. I want to thank you for giving me a poem that explains thoroughly the emotions that I feel for a certain room that has become my haven. When I escape to this paradise nothing matters. No one exists. I remain in solitude. I speak with myself. The world does not belong in my haven. I give myself peace if only for a few moments. It is great to retreat to a world all of my own. Without it I don't think I could survive. Again great poem.
| Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
  I know yoiu said this sucks, but I actually quite like it. It gives me the feeling of sitting at the beach and just letting everything flow through me and over me.
You said you wanted help with it, so here are my advice:
I think you should use the pattern you have used in 2nd and 3rd stanza in the 1st as well. Maybe like this:

It's when nothing else matters.
the wordless meanings.
It's priceless beauty.
the place the chains come off.

2nd stanza, 1st verse: It's the sounds long forgotten.
Using been, is actually grammatically incorrect.

2nd stanza, 4th verse: This line doesn't really fit with the rest of the story, but I can't seem to figure out a way to tweak it so it may.

3rd stanza, 3rd+4th verse: I would write: "It's where the road ends" as I feel it fits the poem better.

Hope this helps!
Love your poem
Take Care,
-Natalia
| Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by Natalia Petro | [ Reply to This ]
  "It's the sights so far away,
the breeze just like a kiss."

nice image, a kiss is so soft and tender, well some at least. i pictured kissing someone in a secluded area, like the woods during this poem.

i wish my poems were as good as yours when i was younger, well done.

i look forward to reading the rest.

::KCD
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by laypearlsaside | [ Reply to This ]

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