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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Drivedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: T.O.S.R.
    ASL Info:    16/F/Utah
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 53/53/15
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 865
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 573



    Description:
       This poem sprouted from a four line stanza that read;
    "Silent, snowed in cemetary
    Lips still with "Goodbye on their lips
    Can only wish that someone would listen
    To their unspoken whispers under 6ft of dirt"
    I wrote this original stanza in the pasanger seat of a car as I drove by a cemetary covered in snow... I changed that stanza quite a bit, but a neat little trick I used was that the first two lines and the last two lines of this poem make-up the revised, 4-lined stanza I started with. Tricky, tricky.


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    dotsDrivedots
    -------------------------------------------


    This quiet, snowed-in cemetary,
    hides cold, unmoving lips,
    that still die to utter a few 'Goodbye's.

    Gentle words to comfort the hopeless,
    are lost among the blasting silence,
    that falls short upon deafened ears.

    The wind weaves through the branches;
    a morse code for the unheard,
    to tell their twisted, knowing tales.

    Do not become another ignorant life!
    Walk among those whispered screams,
    and listen to the stories of the dead.


    ~Andrea~




    Submitted on 2006-02-22 21:12:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is an excellent revision, using a twist of phrase and double entendre works quite well and keeps this from sounding morbid or like the same old same old write. The morse code is great immagery. Very nicely done.
    jan
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this poem shows promise...obviously there are some higher quality lines and lower quality ones but you're doing better than breaking even. I'd just keep working at it and refining the piece until what you want to say is uniformly good.

    The wind weaves through the branches;
    a morse code for the unheard...

    that's a good spot
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      A bit creepy but deep and well-thought out. I personally like to spend time in cemeteries cause i find them peacefull and comforting- Yup i'm a weirdo- i know!

    Anyway, the descriptions were excellent-

    Gentle words to comfort the hopeless,
    are lost among the blasting silence,
    that falls short upon deafened ears.

    That's my favorite- "blasting silence" is really very good! the only thing that bugs me about this is the title. i understand why you called it that but something more omonous or symbolic would be better, i think. just a personal opinion. perhaps you could try "Warning from Beyond" or if thats too...whatever...maybe "Unspoken Silence"? just some suggestions, its your piece after all.

    Thanks for sharing and good job over all
    SASHA LYNN
    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      At first I had this weird feeling that it was going to be about a car accident, lol. Although short, it was very powerful. I love your descriptions like "blasting silence" and "whispered screams". They really add to the picture and even though oxymorons u can really really picture those phrases, brilliant. What i think to be improved though is that, if u wanted a dark poem, u could have used words that give off a darker emotion. This poem, although good, isn't all that "dark". If your goal was a dark poem, i think it could have been improved on a little more. Other than that, it was a pretty good poem, especially the descriptions. good job.
    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good. I almost didn't read it because the line "that still die to speak a few "Goodbye"s" seemed almost too cliché. It seems almost like that line almost promises a poorly disguised pun in each stanza.
    I think that that line could use a little bit of a darker feel to compliment the rest of the poem. It seems to me to lend the piece a lightheartedness that I don't think you were seeking. Possibly try some more solemn words. Maybe something like "still die to utter amends."

    Other than that, I enjoyed the use of the oxymorons in each stanza, especially "blasting silence." That's one I haven't heard before.
    I think the strongest lines are the last two. They are both a reverent respect for the dead, and a warning not to make the mistakes that they did.
    Salaam.
    | Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
      i really, really, really like this. It's short, but has a powerful meaning. the dead really do have a lot to say...more than the living. i like this, it's going into my faves. there is like, one grammar mistake. more like typo honestly. you used the whole " thing for a ' thats it though. awesome write
    _Kat
    | Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]


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