Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Broke


Author: selfbetrayal
ASL Info:    19/F/NA
Elite Ratio:    8 - 212 /76 /10
Words: 80
Class/Type: Poetry /Broken
Total Views: 1151
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 513



Description:


This is a simple almost childlike format for rhyming and structure possibly as well content as I felt it flowed better...the repitition is also deliberate lending to the child like theme...the same for it being in a bulk rather than in verses...I understand that some will disagree and please feel free to say so.


Broke



Hard to get up when you're down past the floor,
Hard to run away when your muscles are sore,
Hard to believe when your whole world falls down,
Hard to understand when you can't hear a sound.
It's so hard to trust when your whole life's a lie,
It's impossible to dream when your heart just won't fly.
When you can't feel your soul and your heart hits the floor,
It's impossible to survive when you can't take it anymore.




Submitted on 2006-02-23 05:31:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Ah yes it does have a somewhat child like flow, but that makes it all the more intrigueing in the hearts of us all.



Sage
| Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
  Simplicity definitely carried this write. You should never feel constrained to the point that your write has to be in a certain format to be accepted, and I think I mentioned this to someone earlier about one of my writes... if you restrain yourself to the point that you need to either write a certain way, or explain it before we even read it, THAT will restrict your wording choices and in turn, force rhyming, or we will be so caught up in your need to rhyme, that your message has gotten lost. Keeping this piece the way it is, does it a huge favor in getting your point across, and my guess would have been that this was written from a childlike point of view, or that it was written about bad past experiences. I agree with others as far as changing the beginning of the lines... I would have started them all with 'Hard'. This still wouldn't take away from the title, or the overall meaning, as the title is what leans me toward thinking this is a child's point of view. Works for me as is.
| Posted on 2007-01-18 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
  Well I like it because of its simplicity. I don't think because the line doesn't start with " it's" makes the read any different.
I don't know if you were going for repetition and that is where I can see that the commentors feel the break. I for one don't feel that it hampers the poem in any way beside, isn't supposed to be a childlike format. What child do you know can write repeticiously?

Anyways I think it has a strong message about your inner thoughts as well as you ability to accept what is.

One day at a time....

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  Poem is a nice idea, but the title should actually read "Broken" because you are writing in presence tense, meaning you are still broken, not you where broken. The poem itself needs more work on the body because it's too 'ordinary' try putting more twists and turns.
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Ant | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah I liked it as well simple but direct... I do agree with Caribou though it does breack the cycle but it's still a good read either way... Anthony
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
  "It's so hard to trust when your whole life's a lie,
It's impossible to dream when your heart just won't fly."

I loved those lines, I thought they were amazing. The only complaint that I have is that the line follow that one doesn't start with *It's* so it breaks the pattern and the repetition.
If you can find a way to change it, I would.

Anyway, keep writing, this was great.
-Caribou-
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  If youd like you could change around the words and style but to be honest with you this is a strong write as it is
This definately created what you were gunning for Life from a childs point of view
I liked this
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



92522