Sunken Treasure
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Description:
would like any criticism even if not "good"
thanks,
Bill-
thanks,
Bill-
Sunken Treasure
your legs were dangling over the side of the dock almost touching the water getting splashed by its salty waves unrelenting in its fervent calm sinful, but uncaring the sun was blinding just as warm as the waters beside us like your smile like my lips upon yours I didn’t have to try I wasn’t some assimilation of humanity I wasn’t anything but me and that’s why I loved you you let me be the eccentric genius and you– you were nothing but perfection brains nor beauty could have told me otherwise but today it is cold the sun is hiding from me everyone is in tears they’re dressed in black and regret they want to see your face again lit up like the city lights sparkling and enraptured– I am standing by your father He won’t stop holding me I don’t care, I put my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder Emily, I love you. |
Submitted on 2006-02-23 08:56:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| this was well done. though it seems some of the other commenters were confussed, I did not find it to be so. I love the begining, the beautiful imaginary was wonderful. It put you there with the sun shinning on your arms & the love that you describe was so touching. Then it takes a turn for darkness as you find that she is dead, all the light seems to leave, no more warmth. Though I do have a suggestion here, the fact that it is raining is slightly cliché, though that doesnt bother me. I think that it would be better if it was a nice day yet you counldnt enjoy it. You just couldnt feel the warmth of the sun like you had on previous days. I feel like it would make it more powerful. The last stanza is so touching, great job Bill. take care ~jennifer | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ] | wow that was pretty powerful...this piece was really inspiring. your imagery is great and it seems like u really put your heart into this poem...good job | | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by strwytohvn | [ Reply to This ] | BEAUTIFUL, full of so much depth and meaning! I'm sorry for your loss, but it helped insprire you to write this wonderful peice. Nothing bad to say which is unusual because i'm picky. Really good, Keep up the great work! | -Billy | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by BigRed | [ Reply to This ] | That was really beautiful. Great imagery and you got through to the reader. I especially loved the last stanza. I caould visualize everything that was happening. Great job. | | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by losing_focus | [ Reply to This ] | Its kind of confusing. I didnt really understand what you were telling me about. But i liked the imagery and the description. I think that you should work on clarifying, but over all it had good rhythm, good imagery, and good insite. it just needs to be a bit clearer. | | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by BreakAndFall | [ Reply to This ] | I think I almost totally understood this. Did Emily die? But, after all, you said that this is "semi-true"... but still... that's what I think this is about. | I like the imagery in this poem, it's really good. It had good rhythm. At the first part, I could actually imagine it so much, I felt the waves on my feet. That was cool! Keep up the good work. -Shadow | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Lavender | [ Reply to This ] | |
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