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Sunken Treasure


Author: Big_Bill789
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 329 /370 /119
Words: 169
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 805
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1128



Description:


would like any criticism even if not "good"

thanks,
Bill-


Sunken Treasure



your legs were dangling over the side of the dock
almost touching the water
getting splashed by its salty waves
unrelenting in its fervent calm
sinful, but uncaring

the sun was blinding
just as warm as the waters beside us
like your smile
like my lips upon yours

I didn’t have to try
I wasn’t some assimilation of humanity
I wasn’t anything but me
and that’s why I loved you

you let me be the eccentric genius
and you–
you were nothing but perfection
brains nor beauty could have told me otherwise

but today
it is cold
the sun is hiding from me

everyone is in tears
they’re dressed in black
and regret
they want to see your face again
lit up like the city lights
sparkling and enraptured–

I am standing by your father
He won’t stop holding me
I don’t care,
I put my arms around him
and rest my head on his shoulder

Emily, I love you.




Submitted on 2006-02-23 08:56:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this was well done.
though it seems some of the other commenters were confussed, I did not find it to be so.

I love the begining, the beautiful imaginary was wonderful. It put you there with the sun shinning on your arms & the love that you describe was so touching.

Then it takes a turn for darkness as you find that she is dead, all the light seems to leave, no more warmth.
Though I do have a suggestion here, the fact that it is raining is slightly cliché, though that doesnt bother me. I think that it would be better if it was a nice day yet you counldnt enjoy it. You just couldnt feel the warmth of the sun like you had on previous days.
I feel like it would make it more powerful.

The last stanza is so touching,
great job Bill.
take care
~jennifer
| Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  wow that was pretty powerful...this piece was really inspiring. your imagery is great and it seems like u really put your heart into this poem...good job
| Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by strwytohvn | [ Reply to This ]
  BEAUTIFUL, full of so much depth and meaning! I'm sorry for your loss, but it helped insprire you to write this wonderful peice. Nothing bad to say which is unusual because i'm picky. Really good, Keep up the great work!

-Billy
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by BigRed | [ Reply to This ]
  That was really beautiful. Great imagery and you got through to the reader. I especially loved the last stanza. I caould visualize everything that was happening. Great job.
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by losing_focus | [ Reply to This ]
  Its kind of confusing. I didnt really understand what you were telling me about. But i liked the imagery and the description. I think that you should work on clarifying, but over all it had good rhythm, good imagery, and good insite. it just needs to be a bit clearer.
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by BreakAndFall | [ Reply to This ]
  I think I almost totally understood this. Did Emily die? But, after all, you said that this is "semi-true"... but still... that's what I think this is about.

I like the imagery in this poem, it's really good. It had good rhythm. At the first part, I could actually imagine it so much, I felt the waves on my feet. That was cool!

Keep up the good work.

-Shadow
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Lavender | [ Reply to This ]


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