Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

What Is Happening To Me


Author: Lavender
ASL Info:    20/F/USA
Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 101 /125 /59
Words: 93
Class/Type: Misc /Depressed
Total Views: 979
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 599



Description:




What Is Happening To Me



What is happening to me
How could this happen
How can this be
I'm ripped, torn,
Bent out of shape
I don't look the same
I don't feel the same
I am not the same
What has happened to me
Why can't I act normally
I'm not in love,
I'm just depressed
Depression is leading my fate
No one can hear my gentle cries
at night nor in the morn
Neither dawn nor dusk
Oh, why am I so torn
How can this be
How could this happen
What is happening to me




Submitted on 2006-02-23 09:23:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  truthfully I read this more as a song than a poetry writing, but thats because it has A lot of repetition in it ;
"what is happening to me"
"what could it be"
this is sort of the total focus of the piece,

overall, and truthfully, it is simplistic, and I know most of the time I am advocating simplism
but in this case *especially* when you have repetition in a poem, you should have varied word structures and words for that matter
Use word thesaurus or and online one

Keep Writing, and come check out my page
I just got back into it

Thanks, Bill-
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



92531