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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Four Score & First Anguishdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 244
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 287
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1909



    Description:
       Here are two poems - "Four Score" and "First Anguish". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFour Score & First Anguishdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Four Score

    Lydia in a long black gown,
    One step, two step fall some more,
    Dancing drunk through the town.
    Rise again, then three step four.

    Waltzing with the moonlight,
    Five step, six step, tempting fate,
    In its long gown of white.
    Fall again, seven step eight.



    First Anguish

    Ages ago,
    I mistook clouds for the sky
    Waiting for a school bus
    In the chill dark of a country eternity.

    That was already my second lifetime,
    My third if you had asked my father.
    My fourth by a mother's account.

    Mother was parked nearby, watching,
    Letting me explore the darkness.
    Meanwhile, in my seclusion
    I burnt words I had written the night before --
    But just for the sake of presentation.

    The match imploded in a brief Hollywood fury,
    Blackness slowly returned.
    Looking up to infinity through blurred eyes,
    The moon's feral flame illuminated a pool of cloud.

    In short order, the surrounding dark
    Swallowed the full brilliance moon.
    For some time I stared in awe
    As the moon was in turn released to the clouds,
    And recaptured by the universe.

    That was also the year I found
    What would become my first anguish,
    Though she too shone bright through the haze.

    Only later did I learn to distinguish clouds from sky.







    Submitted on 2006-02-23 12:06:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Of the two poems I prefer 'First Anguish' I'm not sure way but the other does not really make an impression on me. I'm not quite sure way but 'First Anguish' seems over long and I think may need some polishing. In fact the poem seems at times incongrus with the subject because throughout it seems somewhat heavy and slow even depressed, whereas, at least in parts it should give the idea of an explosion

    I burnt words I had written the night before -

    could be depression or anger but

    'The match imploded in a brief Hollywood fury',

    should explode.

    love and peace
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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