Words flow from pen to paper
Pain floods from behind a broken dam
Yet the torrent's too strong, the words too deep
She drowns there on the page
| Wow. You managed to do something difficult. You kept the word limit short, yet you chose your words so perfectly that this created more imagery than most lenghty poems. ALso, you managed to describe very well. A brilliant sucess from you. Don't change a thing|
|| Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ] || Wow, that sounds like how I live. Hanging out with friends and taking in all of their grief then all at once releasing it onto a plain white sheet of paper making it red, pink, and hues of black. So, I say "Thank you" for that brief moment of reality, it was superior to anything else. That has to be the best write I've ever seen/read in a great while. Short and straight to the point, not that detailed but at the same time it is, so... yeah. I truely love this write. THANKSX|
|| Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ] || well if you are looking for inspiration for this piece i could that drowning girl... honestly... the stuff i have been writing lately has been so full of me that is is almost as if i ripped my heart out and disolved it into the page... i dont even call it writing at the moment LOL|
i dont understand how you can have such an impacting message in so few words... its very well done and the image itself is a very powerful one...
to captutre the essence of someone writing and remain cliché free deserves a medal or something (and if i could remember how to do the medal thingee i really would lol)
personally i wouldnt change a thing... i wouldnt make it longer and i wouldnt add more anything coz you would ruin the bitter essence of the grief and drowning...
they say drowning is the nicest way to die so drowning on a page must be something completely else...
|| Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] || Steve,|
Just beautiful! You have taken so much feeling and expressed it in such a short, compact way but one that has an enormous impact.
You certainly show how talented you are with this wonderful piece!
|| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ] || This poem resonates with truth and vividness. I think that everyone has been at a point when they overwhelmed with so much emotion that it stops them from writing. Like there's a part of you that is just too deep and too personal to explain and it brings about writing block. Very well-expressed and another great write,|
|| Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ] || I wrote a piece called "Ideas" about fragments of poems I would start and never finish. Mine was only 4 lines as well... But, this piece is much deeper and, I think, much better. Pain is often the fuel for writing, and when the dam breaks that is holding the feelings inside, it all comes out onto paper. Well, most of it. But sometimes, everything comes out at once; all the hurt and tears, and it is too much even to express in writing. What the writer is trying to say is lost in a sea of words that are just not quite right. Excellent job on this one.|
|| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ] || Haven't we all been there. This is well expressed and nice use of alliteration and sibilance too. Short and sweet. |
|| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ] || A very neat trick, Steve, to give a four-liner so many possible interpretations...I have mine, and, as we know, it's how the reader takes it that counts anyway. |
Very nice, very nice indeed
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ] || I would like to leave a comment that just says "ouch", but the damn site won't let me. I can't count how many times I've sat, ready to write with a vengence over something that has brought me pain, yet ended up sitting on the floor bawling like a baby. Sometimes things are better left untouched. Great write,|
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ] || I am going to take a slightly different approach than the others who have commented and guess that the "she" you describe in this is metaphor for the actual piece of literature whether it be a poem or another type of writing. As in "she" is left on the page drowning in the inability to be completed or expressed properly. Once in awhile I think we all probably feel that the words we need aren't among the thousands upon thousands our dictionaries and thesauruses contain. Sometimes words fall short, or at least it seems so.|
Anyway, that is only my take on it. I have been known to be wrong in the past, LOL.
Very well done in my humble opinion. The pace of this was also quite fitting, although short it seemed to read quiet and gradual, something like the process of writing itself at times.
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ] || This piece is so true my friend. I have drowned on that page many times. And as you can see from my writing, eventually it saves my life.|
This is a remarkable piece that I think captures just about everyone on this site. Better yet, ever writer who has ever lived.
Very short, yet full of truth. Definately a new favorite.
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ] || I have been the "She" in this poem more times than I can count! I will have something I want to say, but trying to put it down on paper leaves me spinning in a whirlwind of emotions so insanely intense that I can't think straight. (And then I can't write, and so I sit.) |
I think that, for me, thie overwhelming emotion is so hard to describe clearly that I get frustrated and give up. There are certain things that the English language can't express clearly.
How do you describe how love feels? The taste of salt? How can you describe a hurt, a fear, a heartbreak so intense that your world stumbles over the emotion and you are left gasping for air?
And then sometimes, you try to put it into words, and the emotions are so overwhelming that you have to stop, because this time you are causing your world to stumble, and have to relive it all again.
Nice piece. No need to lengthen it. It would be counter-produfctive to try to explain emotional release with any more detail.
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ] || This is very true Steve|
Sometimes I find myself with so many different themes floating thru my head that I find it hard to concentrate on one theme and that too can bring writers block
In these few short words you used you summed it up perfectly
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] || The obvious, emotional, metaphore is one of a writer getting emotionally overwhelmed with their writing.|
There's another, shallower yet more subtle, metaphore that I also read into it though. From one perspective, it can be read as describing who tries to cram too much into one work.
Soon, a sincere poem with a couple snappy ideas becomes mind-numbingly dull and monotonous.
I don't know that you meant it this way, but I can't help but read a bit of satire underneath.
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ] || This is a very meaningful poem. The metaphor here is a good one. "Pain floods from behind a broken dam". I really like that line. It says so much about the intensity of the emotion that she feels. Like the pain has been building up and building up and over time it finally breaks her. She has been holding it all in and as she sits there to write it finally catches up to her and she breaks down. Writing can be a wonderful release, as you have said, but just like with this poem, it also makes the mind think, and often about the emotional personal feelings and conflicts. It does help to get it out in some way, but sometimes writing it can also make things all the more real and bring on more pain. I can just picture her sitting with pen in hand as the tears just pour off her face. This is a short little poem, yet full of meaning that many writers can easily relate to. I like how you say "the words too deep". A very good reference back to the water and then to her drowning. Really good stuff!|
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] || made no sence, it only tells me your having metal blocks, witch is not bad, it says you been thinking hard, but nothing happen, so heres some adivce, express your metal block, say what happens as she is lost in her writing, express more, write longer poems, so I can write longer coments, Say somthing like, Lost her thoughts trying to find the words to say, (excuse me if Im going off the border) I just dont like realy short poems, cause no offence but some of them just dont make nay sence, I under stand this one, but it needs more expression, its too short, and not expressed enough, take each of these lines and add three more under each one discribing that one line ok then you will have a good poem, or you can try adding something before that explaining alit bit before, or you can add after what happens after, just try to make it longer, are seem longer oh I dont mean space it all out, just add words to express whats happening better, cause I dont think anyone likes realy short poems that express something but not enough to catch the attention of the reader, Just make it longer and itll be a very good poem. And its hard to write a long comment on a short poem. |
-Ryan Peace Out
|| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by the heartless | [ Reply to This ] || Slow and short, but it has some deep thought and a little drama into it. But what kind of poem is this? Is it supposed to be a type that goes along with a cinquain or a haiku, or is it just a short free verse poem? But I liked it. It wasn't bad at all. Take care.||| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Heat | [ Reply to This ] || now this is what poetry shd be defined as- drowning on the page!!! I loved it!!! four lines, 28 words and a great deal of meaning. it really soaked me too. this is good!!!||| Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ] || There are some things that are lost in translation. I mean we try as writers to express something that should be simple or obvious but no words suffice . . . and so we throw a sea of words at it and still . . . nothing suffices. We cannot capture the essence of the thing. It escapes . . .|
This maybe has been one of the most challenging things I've faced as a writer. Knowing what NOT to say . . . or dealing with a flood of emotions that defy my ability to express in a way that others could relate to. Inspiration versus the cold calculation of the analytical mind . . . they're often at odds, aren't they?
And in the end, which is preferred? Bold sentiment, or simple expression?
It's a delicate balance, and one few writer's ever achieve.
|| Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ] || So very short, yet so very...accurate. This sounds a lot like me in an extremely condensed way and I'm impressed. The 4 lines that make this up are incredibly written and twisted in such a way as to make the reader understand and feel the emotion here. |
As for feedback, all that I can suggest to you would simply be to add periods for effect. Other than that, I can't find anything wrong that would need fixing.
Bravo, sir, bravo.
P.S. *waves flag* Hello, fellow Washingtonian!
|| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ] |