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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: First Blush & Four Penniesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 365
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1248



    Description:
       Here are two of my poems - "First Blush" and "Four Pennies". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFirst Blush & Four Penniesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    First Blush

    First blush of lust enters --
    An unknown partner.
    First one, then another;
    all come and go with a brief touch or kiss.

    Then a lush motel room,
    All the roses perfect.
    Champagne glasses empty
    Though neither drunk.

    Now a ski-lodge waterbed.
    Fireplace smoldering,
    Warm fingertips running over silk and satin.
    Stockings and garters sliding as animal nature is brushed.

    Awaken to the dampness of sweat
    Soaking an old comforter.
    Another hard adolescent night,
    Dreaming of lovers while holding a teddy bear.



    Four Pennies

    I found four pennies,
    Like dominos big and blocky.
    On the front were small memorials,
    And a Chinese character aft.

    These I gave to my love;
    Unrequited but smiling still.
    We brushed and I said, "I'm sorry".
    She said "Yeah right!" and laughed.







    Submitted on 2006-02-23 23:05:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I found them both to be excellent in thier own right. Though I have to say Four Pennies made a bigger impression on me personally.

    The first one was strong, but the second had a more intimate feel to it without even having to explain it that way. The words you used, the versing and the creative play made Four Pennies the victor with me.

    Great work.

    Blessed by his grace,

    Sorrel
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
      OOh...

    The first was more... personally applicable, which is to say, msot people can relate to the subject.

    The second however struck me more strongly due to it's length, word choice (aft), and unique subject, personal to the writer.

    I definately liked the second piece more.

    And I especially admired the (intentional?) Rhyme between "aft" and "laughed'.

    The length of the poem made it work, and, based on what I know from reading your work before, I would wager the rhyme was intentional.

    And it's very well placed I say once more.

    I thank you for the good reads, and leave you with a small duet performance of the Palm brothers' rendition of: "A Round of Applause"

    Thanks.

    ~KRG
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]



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