Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Iced Butterfly


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 139 /260 /173
Words: 97
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1531
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 664



Description:


At first I wanted it to be - an Ice Butterfly, inspired by the lovely patterns on the window, but then...


Iced Butterfly



I flew across the wind, across the snow, and
Delicate was rosemary, echoing summer lust
And sultry pollen, unlocked by spring homecoming.

I smelt it in the air, curve of my neck and back
Grew solemn, with every passion's moment
In every flutter of its wings.

I felt your warmth beside me, a star exploded
And left a black hole,
And agonized against the chill of
Dostoevsky's depths.

Fragile, find yourself a monument and go to sleep -
You're early - upon a bronze pedestal with
Smarting frosting feet.








Submitted on 2006-02-24 07:20:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I like how you included "Dostoevsky's depths". That was clever & it fit very nicely with everything else. Reading that, I felt like a butterfly. I could smell & feel, but where's the sight?
| Posted on 2008-08-01 00:00:00 | by kickit | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm. Yeah. I like the themes here. The idea of beauty come too early and at the wrong moment, and it turning to ice.

There are a few things that I would suggest.

This strophe

"I smelt it in the air, curve of my neck and back
Grew solemn, with every passion's moment
In every flutter of its wings."

I don't really know if you're the butterfly here, or who's neck and back grows solemn, or if the neck and back are..... something. I'm just lost as to what refers to what. I like the imagery and the wording, but I fell like it could be more powerful if I knew more what you were trying to get across, aside from the general feelings of passion and solemnity in contrast with the first strophe's images of spring.

I love this line though:

"Fragile, find yourself a monument and go to sleep "

Smarting frosting feet makes me think of cake icing, but ah, I know what you mean.
| Posted on 2008-06-23 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  What an inspired poem the gentle opening stanzas do not prepare the reader for the impact of those last two. I am unsure about that double 'ing' but what the heck it is terrific.
An iced butterfly. Seems like butterflies are the order of the day today. Check my page Inspirit has been sending butterflies out.
love and peace
Comradenessie
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  Extremely interesting imagery. I'm impressed, butterfies have been used in poetry in worse ways. I agree that "Iced Butterfly" proves to be a better title.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  Very "warm fuzzy" right up until the third stanza which hits like a bombshell with a sudden traverse into the divergent realms of physics and philosophy.

I wonder to what extent the butterfly is an extention of the author's feelings at the time. Could this have been written in a classroom or while studying, as you say;

"And agonized against the chill of
Dostoevsky's depths."?

But then, we can often find more in a work than the author intends. My only problem was with keeping the person understood in some places. There is an apparent shift from imagining to be the butterfly earlier and talking to it later.

All in all, very good.
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  To imagine myself to fly would be to imagine myself unchained. I am dominated by nothing except emotions. There are no need for words. Actions speak all. To be free to love. To have the liberty to burn with one kiss. Its a really good poem but may be a bit too short. It would be good to expand on the passion. I may not have understood the purpose of your poem. If I didn't please forgive me.
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the comparison with the butterfly, it's enchanting, It turned out great rather short but I enjoyed it...I'm not in a critisizing mood today...but either way your poem is too perfect to change or critisize

lots of love
please read some of mine :o)
x0x Mickey x0x
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Drain_my_Blood | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



92674