hi samm! ok anyway... i liked the feeling of foreboding u present in the first stanza. "I can't see past this veil, but I can feel something is wrong." i love suppense. u pulled it off perfectly. i totally didnt see the funeral coming. i was like, "woah!" I like how u show its a funeral without sayin it. like with "And as you lift up my veil, I can see them dressed in black.
I look down at my bouquet, the roses dead and dried."
but i think my favorite part is "Because as long as its not you we all love a tragedy." cause it's true. Great poem samm, i loved it. -Kate
I read this because of the title, being I myself am getting married in 5 months. *Tear*.. OMG! I loved this poem! I have no suggestions on how to improve it. I loved it just the way it is. It's perfect. That's all I can say. A perfect write! Thank you for posting!
I look down at my bouquet, the roses dead and dried. The petals start to fall, one for every lie.
I love that! I'm headed to your site to see what else you have:)
Ooo you're good. It's like a story... only better. Very sad though, but I didn't cry, I just had a terribly sick feeling while I was reading it lol (I mean that as a compliment)
My favorite part is where it turns from "pretty wedding" to... you know, blackness and death and stuff. Using the veil to describe that is super creative.
If anyone (besides me) trys to say that they're your biggest fan, its not true. I am definitely the biggest... Like an ox. You can't beat an ox. Especially the huge blue one that belongs to that lumberjack guy. Oooo crazy ox.
I liked how you spoke of the flowers wilting and 'petals start to fall' 'for every lie'.
In some verses the rhythm was abit patchy due to making line too long or too short. For instance: 'but they know they have to see.
I liked this verse, 'You choke on all your vows and I never get to mine. You can wash down all those promises with this holy wine.' it's very powerfull though, maybe the beat could be improved a little.
Because as long as its not you we all love a tragedy.' The beat sounds a little jerky in these lines. (Also 'its' should be 'it's')
Another thing I noticed is the use of 'I' twice to begin a sentance. Using different words to the ones before what you written just makes it sound more interesting. Also if you use a word to begin too many lines in a row it can make it seem more like a list. (An example of what I was talking about: 'I reach the alter silently , I can feel the stares on my back.')
This reminded me of a mix of "Helena" by MCR and "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson.....hmmm. Put those two music videos together and I see something like this.
It was a well-written piece to have caused an image like that to spring to my mind.
Hey all, I'm just trying to get my reciprocation up. I'm down in the -'s pretty far. So, don't feel the need to comment on my work. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things at Elite. Think of it as a favor from me to you! Thanks for the read! <3BCute