[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: My Special Weddingdots

    Author: LoveToHateMe
    ASL Info:    20/girl/Philly
    Elite Ratio:    4.61 - 175/148/42
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1337
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1215


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Special Weddingdots

    I walk this silent procession.
    An aisle never seemed so long.
    This veil is dark and matted
    And I feel something is wrong.

    Fear somehow controls us
    and I want to slow my pace.
    I�m seeking some dark truth.
    Will I see it in your face?

    I reach the alter like a ghost,
    Every stare burns through my back.
    And as you lift this veil,
    I can see pews filled with black.

    I look down at my bouquet,
    the roses dead and dried.
    The petals that begin to fall
    whisper every lie.

    You choke on all your vows
    and I never get to mine.
    Just wash down those sick promises
    with this sacred wine.

    Now come a little closer
    with that poison on your lips.
    Kiss me hard and slow
    because I love the taste of it.

    I climb into this final box
    to soften the harsh screams.
    Thinking for this one last time
    that I caused every scene.

    Now they lower their bright eyes
    and pretend that they don�t see.
    As long as you don�t feel the burn
    we all love tragedy.

    Submitted on 2006-02-24 11:56:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      hi samm! ok anyway...
    i liked the feeling of foreboding u present in the first stanza.
    "I can't see past this veil,
    but I can feel something is wrong."
    i love suppense. u pulled it off perfectly. i totally didnt see the funeral coming. i was like, "woah!" I like how u show its a funeral without sayin it. like with
    "And as you lift up my veil,
    I can see them dressed in black.

    I look down at my bouquet,
    the roses dead and dried."

    but i think my favorite part is
    "Because as long as its not you
    we all love a tragedy."
    cause it's true. Great poem samm, i loved it.
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by MyFairCalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this because of the title, being I myself am getting married in 5 months. *Tear*.. OMG! I loved this poem! I have no suggestions on how to improve it. I loved it just the way it is. It's perfect. That's all I can say. A perfect write! Thank you for posting!

    I look down at my bouquet,
    the roses dead and dried.
    The petals start to fall,
    one for every lie.

    I love that! I'm headed to your site to see what else you have:)
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by nicklacymatthew | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooo you're good.
    It's like a story... only better.
    Very sad though, but I didn't cry, I just had a terribly sick feeling while I was reading it lol
    (I mean that as a compliment)

    My favorite part is where it turns from "pretty wedding" to... you know, blackness and death and stuff. Using the veil to describe that is super creative.

    If anyone (besides me) trys to say that they're your biggest fan, its not true. I am definitely the biggest... Like an ox. You can't beat an ox. Especially the huge blue one that belongs to that lumberjack guy. Oooo crazy ox.

    Anyways, you are a creative genius.
    Keep that up.

    Byee Samm

    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked how you spoke of the flowers wilting and 'petals start to fall' 'for every lie'.

    In some verses the rhythm was abit patchy due to making line too long or too short.
    For instance:
    'but they know they have to see.

    I liked this verse,
    'You choke on all your vows
    and I never get to mine.
    You can wash down all those promises
    with this holy wine.'
    it's very powerfull though, maybe the beat could be improved a little.

    Because as long as its not you
    we all love a tragedy.'
    The beat sounds a little jerky in these lines.
    (Also 'its' should be 'it's')

    Another thing I noticed is the use of 'I' twice to begin a sentance. Using different words to the ones before what you written just makes it sound more interesting. Also if you use a word to begin too many lines in a row it can make it seem more like a list.
    (An example of what I was talking about:
    'I reach the alter silently ,
    I can feel the stares on my back.')
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminded me of a mix of "Helena" by MCR and "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson.....hmmm. Put those two music videos together and I see something like this.

    It was a well-written piece to have caused an image like that to spring to my mind.

    Hey all, I'm just trying to get my reciprocation up. I'm down in the -'s pretty far. So, don't feel the need to comment on my work. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things at Elite. Think of it as a favor from me to you! Thanks for the read!
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]