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    dots Submission Name: Repititiondots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 761
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 568

       About my sister...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Repititiondots

    Everyday is the same for her
    week after week she wakes up and re remebers that he isn't sleeping beside her
    and she cries for a few moments in the morning before she drinks her coffee
    and then she says she's fine again
    she reads the paper
    writes a poem or two reflecting her heart
    but she's missing something that at once made her whole
    "what a miserable life"
    she thinks
    but in the end its all the same
    day after day
    never completely healing from the morning before

    Submitted on 2006-02-24 12:59:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      All of this is rather plain, to be blunt.
    The last line is decent, I could not say for certain if it fits into the category of cliché, so that means, to me, it isn't a cliché line. Thus it is decent and not cliché, so it is the best line in this.

    Everything else though, it's as if you were just telling people straightforward the things. Such as, you could easily memorize the words, repeat them to someone in normal conversation, and they really wouldn't be able to tell that it was meant as a poem.

    So what to do? Well, you could leave it all as is, or you could try to reword things, make things more than ordinary.
    The fact that the poem feels ordinary is actual a rather positive attribute to me. But I'm trying to think in a way that would not see something special about something presumably common.

    Personally, I can understand where this is coming from, more because my mother went through it and I was old enough to understand and listened.

    So, if you ever consider redoing this, avoid being too "everyday" with the words and style, otherwise you lose the poetic part of it. Always understand that, no matter how much we don't want to admit it, there is a bit of pretentiousness in poetry, and just sticking with the common is a poetic faux paz.

    That last line is good, so try and make the rest of the poem better than it. If anything, make this poem into more of a short story/narrative. It seems like it could fit a lot better in such a situation.
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. Although it is more free, I think if you used clever rhyming it might make it pop out of the page a little more. Maybe it's because I can't see the word 'Repetition' without thinking of 'La Repetition,' so it's probably just me.

    ~Later Days~
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      this is the best work you have done yet... my lori / this is what art is made of / knowing that you are changeing the coruse of life everytime you pick up a pin ..

    i shall put this on my fav list
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by J W I | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this alot and i can realy relate to this. i hope she feel better whoever she is. i know heartbreak is hard... going thought i t myself. keep up the great work... this is an awesoem write.
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]

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