Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Beatingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1098
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 768



    Description:
       Wrote this just after quitting marching band, though I only finished recently. Just tell me what is icky is what is good from a stylistic point of view.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeatingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beating, pulsing,
    Writhing, flowering,
    Gushing forth,
    In time with their feet.

    Hit, hit, hit,
    Ts, ts, ts.
    Hit, hit, hit,
    Ts, ts, ts.

    My feet longing,
    Restlessly twitching,
    Remembering when
    The cadence will start.

    The quad rolls,
    My eyes close.
    The bass drum and
    My heart pound.

    Bleeding, flowering,
    Pulsing, writhing,
    My wrists in water,
    Concoction of oils.

    Embalm me, dear oils!
    Do not let me waste!
    Still my poor heart,
    Catch these weak tears.

    A rose-scented bath
    Turning so red,
    Red as the ties
    ‘Bout the Guard’s necks.




    Submitted on 2006-02-24 17:21:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i must say the words fit so well together it made it so easy to read...especially the stanza

    "Beating, pulsing,
    Writhing, flowering,
    Gushing forth,
    In time with their feet"

    it just sort of rolls off your tongue...there is nothing there that gets in the way of the transition between the words. thats great.

    i dont quite get the oils thing. i have never been in band...i was always a chorus girl. so maybe it is just a band thing that i do not know about.

    i also am a little confused when you come to stanza seven, the last stanza, where does the bath come in to play. i mean why was there all of a sudden a random bath thrown in there with rose-scent?? ...am i missing something here?? please fill me in if i am...thanks!
    over all i think this was an easily read piece and a great write!

    thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
      This was an easy read for me..I enjoyed it immensely.You did a wonderful job on this write and brought me out there on that field with you..in the moment.Kudos
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Jill Lynne | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    92747

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry