Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dusty Wordsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheStillSilence
    ASL Info:    20/F/Out in Outer Space
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 180/107/54
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 854
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 675



    Description:
       I just wrote it. Can I get some feedback?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDusty Wordsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your words are crystal clear
    With an occasional bruise
    That i try not to see

    Each syllable and noun
    vibrates with fear
    so much that i try to look away

    With the command of a playmate
    and love of a friend
    that sometimes dissapears

    these words slide of your tongue
    and mix with the dust in the air
    so they're old when they reach my ear

    I too reply with words
    hidden beneath layers of dust
    so that they've lost their initial meaning

    I look into your eyes
    and desparately hope
    and we will someday clean the air




    Submitted on 2006-02-24 21:22:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This one I really like. The only thing you need to change is make "of your toungue" say OFF which I believe is the word you meant to say. (Sorry I'm criticizing typos but its important)




    Rich
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by brich2929 | [ Reply to This ]
      Eureka! This was just like striking gold reading this. I love the way you used the imagery of words filled with dust to expalin the communication problem between the couple. I love the wording and the flow. This was just beautiful. Wow! I can't wait to see your next poem. Let me know when you post it please.
    Great work!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one
    To me you are speaking of how words can not only start a relationship but if we are not careful with them they can end one
    I also believe you were referring to Love being more then just words
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    'Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess this is a little too complex for me...everybody seemed to love it...but I couldn't even understand it...sorry man,

    deuce,
    the aberrant soldier
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by maninthemirror | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved the title, and you have some great sounds throughout the piece: bruise, playmate.
    'Your words are crystal clear
    With an occasional bruise
    That i try not to see'

    That is a great, tight stanza to start the imagery off, and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

    With your decrease of narrator importance in lower casing your first 'I', I'd suggest keep it up throughout the poem.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      Structure was very good and the whole thing flowed very well. Your descriptive use of words was also very good - well done.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      It's okay, I just don't really understand what you are trying to convey. I like the word usage of "dust" it seems to balance out some of the more graceful words ("crystal clear") and truly blend together very well.
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Vile Deception | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    92769

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Shi written by ShyOne
    The World written by jjd
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Records I written by Raphael
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    prison written by ShyOne
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry