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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dusty Wordsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheStillSilence
    ASL Info:    20/F/Out in Outer Space
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 180/107/54
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 891
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 675



    Description:
       I just wrote it. Can I get some feedback?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDusty Wordsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your words are crystal clear
    With an occasional bruise
    That i try not to see

    Each syllable and noun
    vibrates with fear
    so much that i try to look away

    With the command of a playmate
    and love of a friend
    that sometimes dissapears

    these words slide of your tongue
    and mix with the dust in the air
    so they're old when they reach my ear

    I too reply with words
    hidden beneath layers of dust
    so that they've lost their initial meaning

    I look into your eyes
    and desparately hope
    and we will someday clean the air




    Submitted on 2006-02-24 21:22:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This one I really like. The only thing you need to change is make "of your toungue" say OFF which I believe is the word you meant to say. (Sorry I'm criticizing typos but its important)




    Rich
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by brich2929 | [ Reply to This ]
      Eureka! This was just like striking gold reading this. I love the way you used the imagery of words filled with dust to expalin the communication problem between the couple. I love the wording and the flow. This was just beautiful. Wow! I can't wait to see your next poem. Let me know when you post it please.
    Great work!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one
    To me you are speaking of how words can not only start a relationship but if we are not careful with them they can end one
    I also believe you were referring to Love being more then just words
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    'Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess this is a little too complex for me...everybody seemed to love it...but I couldn't even understand it...sorry man,

    deuce,
    the aberrant soldier
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by maninthemirror | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved the title, and you have some great sounds throughout the piece: bruise, playmate.
    'Your words are crystal clear
    With an occasional bruise
    That i try not to see'

    That is a great, tight stanza to start the imagery off, and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

    With your decrease of narrator importance in lower casing your first 'I', I'd suggest keep it up throughout the poem.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      Structure was very good and the whole thing flowed very well. Your descriptive use of words was also very good - well done.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      It's okay, I just don't really understand what you are trying to convey. I like the word usage of "dust" it seems to balance out some of the more graceful words ("crystal clear") and truly blend together very well.
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Vile Deception | [ Reply to This ]


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