Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dusty Wordsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheStillSilence
    ASL Info:    20/F/Out in Outer Space
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 180/107/54
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 856
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 675



    Description:
       I just wrote it. Can I get some feedback?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDusty Wordsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your words are crystal clear
    With an occasional bruise
    That i try not to see

    Each syllable and noun
    vibrates with fear
    so much that i try to look away

    With the command of a playmate
    and love of a friend
    that sometimes dissapears

    these words slide of your tongue
    and mix with the dust in the air
    so they're old when they reach my ear

    I too reply with words
    hidden beneath layers of dust
    so that they've lost their initial meaning

    I look into your eyes
    and desparately hope
    and we will someday clean the air




    Submitted on 2006-02-24 21:22:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This one I really like. The only thing you need to change is make "of your toungue" say OFF which I believe is the word you meant to say. (Sorry I'm criticizing typos but its important)




    Rich
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by brich2929 | [ Reply to This ]
      Eureka! This was just like striking gold reading this. I love the way you used the imagery of words filled with dust to expalin the communication problem between the couple. I love the wording and the flow. This was just beautiful. Wow! I can't wait to see your next poem. Let me know when you post it please.
    Great work!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one
    To me you are speaking of how words can not only start a relationship but if we are not careful with them they can end one
    I also believe you were referring to Love being more then just words
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    'Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess this is a little too complex for me...everybody seemed to love it...but I couldn't even understand it...sorry man,

    deuce,
    the aberrant soldier
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by maninthemirror | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved the title, and you have some great sounds throughout the piece: bruise, playmate.
    'Your words are crystal clear
    With an occasional bruise
    That i try not to see'

    That is a great, tight stanza to start the imagery off, and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

    With your decrease of narrator importance in lower casing your first 'I', I'd suggest keep it up throughout the poem.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      Structure was very good and the whole thing flowed very well. Your descriptive use of words was also very good - well done.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      It's okay, I just don't really understand what you are trying to convey. I like the word usage of "dust" it seems to balance out some of the more graceful words ("crystal clear") and truly blend together very well.
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Vile Deception | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    92769

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Love written by saartha
    Carry written by saartha
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Cover written by saartha
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Records I written by Raphael
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry