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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Silhouettes of Aching Heartsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vintagepepper
    ASL Info:    21/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    7.05 - 191/153/46
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 795
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 653



    Description:
       this poem is about how...well...basically we are forgotten when we are gone. even though those who love us remember us, they still in a sense forget us. and when they are gone there is nothing left of our existence...for the majority at least


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    dotsSilhouettes of Aching Heartsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Silhouettes lie broken on the floor;
    The dust falls thick...
    blanketing them.

    Forgotten and alone they disappear.
    to the background,
    cast out and disposed.

    People no longer remember them;
    Their hearts are trampled,
    and the shadows of their lives fade.

    Ancient and timeless, the silhouettes still fall,
    they sink to the depths
    of the living mind,

    and remain there for all eternity.
    Never to be let out.
    Never to be freed.

    Each suffering soul
    falls hostage to the shadows,
    left to be forgotten.




    Submitted on 2006-02-24 23:54:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      Dang! I can't keep up with you girl! Heres a few suggestions just to keep this a little less repetitive.

    Last line, second stanza. Maybe just, "cast out and disposed"

    Last two lines, fourth stanza, to drop the repetitive, and tie in with the theme.
    "sinking to the dusty corners (or basements
    of the living mind"

    Last two lines,
    "left forgotten
    by those who loved them"

    Just trim the fat a little, and it's a great piece. It eerily mocks (at least in part) something I'm working on right now. That's why I'm favoritizing it, and will use it for reference as I'm exorcising this demon!
    Thank You,
    Toby
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by afterglow | [ Reply to This ]
      you make it seem as though there is no point in doing something, like being a hero or just walking across the street because in the end no one remembers the one thing you conqured the one thing that made you proud, in in a way its so true, what is the meaning of life are we all just the person who never existed the person who's name finds itself on a long lost family tree, i really love you you make death seem broken, like you lose something.

    my pain
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
      this turned out pretty well. i like the imagery used of the broken silhouttes (lives) scattered . it brings a sadness as they are forgotten.
    S4, however could do without "living" in the last line.. it was abit abrupt and tripped the flow. the first line S5, could do without the extra word:

    They remain for eternity.

    as well as the last line in S6:

    by those who loved them.

    but like i said, this turned out well. later.
    sarah.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very interesting concept? what brings you to comtemplate death? Some people spend their whole lives denying it. Some people decide to breed simply to let their genetic chains move on. I like how you desribe these former lives as sillouttes... the outline is still there, but their mass and substance fade though time. oh crap thats so deep.

    and the living mud, that is an interesitng metaphor. it makes me think of how the living forget the dead becuase they get muddled in their lives... yet....


    how else do we move on?


    very interesting write.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by nikko | [ Reply to This ]


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