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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dancing Darknessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: necrotic
    ASL Info:    18/f/New York City, Baby!
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 198/94/33
    Words: 440
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 368
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2610



    Description:
       I got bored one time, and thought about what my mind sees before I go to sleep.
    Something I have always loved doing was staring at flashing shapes that floated constantly in the space of my head and then dissapear again.
    I hope everyone likes it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDancing Darknessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I lay sleeping,
    soundly in the comfert of my bed,
    I could feel my eyes move with the darkness my eyelids created.
    I watched the black color dance in circles,
    becoming dizzy with whirling wind surrounding it,
    it hopped along the imaginary lines my mind stained against the black walls that darkness leans against when growing weary.
    For hours overlapping each other I saw the world as nothing,
    I walked along the bridge of flashing colors and saw the pond of bubbling black waters and its rippling waves run below me in a feirce fight to get away from a strange pounding sound.
    Rainbow lights ran around and floated in the sky,
    trying hard to escape the forever dancing darkness that entertains me as I walk through the pressure of colorful shapes.
    This pounding sound comes closer and I can feel my head fill with pressure,
    I hold it and drop to the ground,
    falling through a blackhole of poisened waterfalls.
    And the noise stopped.
    Only for a moment I thought I heard the music of rapid drums playing deep and slow as darkness danced.
    It leaped further in my mind,
    almost far enough to create a dream,
    but dreams lose breath once awakened,
    and I am feeling all emptiness below my feet.
    I peek my eyes open and still feel pounding pressure scratch at my ears,
    and the light in my room blinds me,
    flashing lights form into hands as I close my eyes once again.
    The fingers move with the drums,
    dancing with the night of my mind,
    and soon they invite me to dance,
    in circles I am growing dizzy,
    and soon I stop to refresh at the small river by the corner of my mind.
    I am drinking and listening to music the flashing hands make,
    and I can feel myself slipping into nothing at all,
    and I take my dancing darkness and flashing hands with me.
    We sail off into a dream I can't remember.
    I saw black spots and watched something of black paint dance around to imaginary drums,
    but that was all.
    I saw nothing at all once my eyes were opened,
    I had already fallen to deep in a desserted wasteland of pale blackness.
    I could remember nothing of what happened,
    just that darkness was dancing,
    and it still dances in my mind.
    Forever the drums will play and flashing hands will join the party evertime my eyes are closed.
    Watching the world fade to nothing and twirling in circles until I fall deep in the drops of flashing colors.




    Submitted on 2006-02-25 10:49:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      again, there are some great image here, and i can see where this one definately has potential to be absolutely amazing! There's one little thing holding it back however. That's the fact that there are too many little words cluttering it up, so it doesn't flow well. Besides making it harder to read, little words like "I, then, me, it, and " all reduce the impact a piece has on the reader. Instead of those, try just using the image in the line, instead of telling the audience that "i did this, or saw that" [or something to that effect]

    for example:
    and I can feel myself slipping into nothing at all,
    and I take my dancing darkness and flashing hands with me.
    We sail off into a dream I can't remember.
    I saw black spots and watched something of black paint dance around to imaginary drums


    maybe change to:
    feeling myself slipping to insignificance,
    dancing darkness, flashing hands-i carry away.
    We sail off into a dream I can't recall
    of black spots...
    and watching something of black paint
    dancing around to imaginary drums


    wonderful start,
    awesome potential!

    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I had now clue how much u can write on the moment before sleep. I really liked the first half of the poem up until this line here

    "flashing lights form into hands as I close my eyes once again."

    That first half was really really good. it overflowed with colorful imagery and amazing descriptions. I could totally picture everything in my head and even began to see shapes on the screen while reading it, lol. I also like the verbs you used like "colors dancing", "bubbling black", etc. good use of words over there. Now on to the second half. I'm not saying its bad, but after that line I mentioned, everything began to feel repetitive. I would hear the same descriptions over and think that I started reading from the top all over. It would have been better if u shortened ur poem so that the last part doesn't feel so repetitive. Other than that, i liked it. First part was really really good, but the second felt like a repeat.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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