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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shadow's Taledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 502
    Class/Type: Prose/
    Total Views: 185
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3003



    Description:
       I had quite a vivid dream last night - something obviously inspired by "Book Of The Dun Cow" and "Lion, Witch, Wardrobe". The two or three images that I still recall are quite vivid, so I expanded one of them into a short story. Haven't written (fictional) prose in a while, so may still be a bit rusty.

    Any and all advice is encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShadow's Taledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shadow woke. From the distant hills a howl rose, then another. Not twin voices bringing news through their harmonics, but desperate cries of warning. The air was dry and the wind had died – perfect weather for stealth and speed. Perfect weather to fly through field and wood on paws quiet as the moon.

    Soon more howls could be heard, these more intelligible. “...the sandy stream...” “Can smell them close!” “...them—”. All cut short. By Them? Shadow slowed, his running more measured.

    What they were, exactly, Shadow could not say. As a Wanderer, he likely knew more than most. Still, all anyone truly knew was that They were coming. First strange Wanderers had come, breathless and urgent with warnings of an invisible threat. These Wanderers stayed long enough to confer in their hushed whimpers and learn that there were no clans left to tell. Then most disappeared – some back towards Them, others into the untramped wilds.

    Even before the Wanderers left, Hunters and Fosters, pups and elders began slinking into Shadow’s homeland. Facts got confused. Were They black as midnight or bright as the snows under a clear noon? Did Their claws drip death? Did They have claws, or were They the great emptiness?

    Shadow heard the muffled mewling of younglings nearby, and slid under the heavy boughs of an old yew. The three younglings were familiar – not long ago they had been pups wrestling in the dirt. Now, they were lean, with bright summer coats and brighter eyes. One had shown an early aptitude towards the life of a Wanderer, and quickly began scenting the air. “Scented me already”, Shadow thought with vicarious pride. But no, “I’ve not been upwind of them yet.”

    An unfamiliar scent crept under the yew, followed by a clattering of branches throughout the woods. The Wanderer in Shadow shot through his body like cracking ice. Breathing slowed while senses quickened, and under the spreading yew naught could be seen save an occasional flash of a blinking eye.

    The younglings circled each other in terror. Then, with the suddenness of thunder, the meadow and woods turned dark. When the darkness cleared an instant later, the younglings were gone. No sight, no sound, just their fading scent. All Shadow remembered was an instant of jagged dark shapes and bright white wisps.

    Long after the distant howls had ceased, Shadow slunk from under the yew and circled into the meadow. There was no sign the younglings had bolted, though nor was their sign of fur or blood. Likewise, no sign of Them was left, save for an occasional scent of something strange.

    Shadow slipped back into the woods and picked a way towards the untramped wilds. If the way there were clear, these wilds should be safe for a Wanderer to traverse, though beyond lay the greater unknown. With nothing to guide but age-old legends and a Wanderer’s skills, Shadow set out to break an ancient pact.




    Submitted on 2006-02-25 15:13:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Okay. I'm jsut going to be a complete arsehole critic here, so if you are squeamish towards criticism, stop reading now.

    That was your warning. First off, I'd like to point out that this story is utterly riddled with cliché names and concepts. I mean, if you're going to have a story about wolves, try to flesh out the setting a bit more. Surely you can do better than "They" and "Shadow" and "Wanderer". Those are all cop-out names, sounding like they came out of some 50s comic book. Try to have names with a bit more character. If nothing else, take the time to throw at least one into a foreign language translator, so it comes out sounding cool and not just hokey. I wish I could say that the names don't really matter as long as the writing's good, but the first sentence immediately had me thoroughly convinced that it would be corny. I mean, there have to be a thousand fantasy novels starting with "so-and-so sat upright, woke, etc." If I were you, I would try to think this one through a few more times.
    | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by WitlessPagan | [ Reply to This ]
      Frank...... this wants to grow up to become a poem.

    Anyhow... this reads fine as is, and I thought I understood it right up until the last two words. Ancient pact? What ancient pact?

    Well, that and we never find out who They are.

    Personally, I like the names. It reminds me of the beginning of 2001, with "Moonwatcher," or Oryx and Crake with "Snowman." It gives the sense that your characters are characters with personalities and vague thoughts about them, but not... full-fledged people-type characters. The names are simple, and so the characters must be as well. (This would explain why we never find out who They are...)

    Hmm. You know I like being critical, and normally I'd cop out and just agree with the previous post, but while I do agree that the piece isn't as fulfilling as it could be (poem! poem! cut and slash and burn and poem!!) I don't really agree with any of the previous complaints. So that's that.
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]



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