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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Daviddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Car va g o
    ASL Info:    35/M/NY
    Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 180/185/45
    Words: 301
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1479
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1917



    Description:
       Well, this was inspired in part by twacky and his poetic candor. It is a rough sketch or raw footage. Any film students out there?

    I first met david when he was three. My daughter just turned three and the reality of that comaprison is entirely tragic. To think of them changing places gives me the most horrible feeling of sadness... niether of us had it good and we went through it together but he took the hardest hits for sure.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDaviddots
    -------------------------------------------


    David so like an angel,
    eyes as full as the moon,
    as brown as oak,
    they were as halting as the sunset

    his soft hair, whose ebony sheen
    came down his face and across in bangs,
    was smooth as any silk
    in china made

    he was slender
    and sweet
    and three
    on the day we met

    David my brother
    half bother its true
    who cried in my arms
    angry tears of hopeless doom

    David a king
    born to a whore
    who was raised
    on soda and oreos

    David who gagged his cereal
    and was made to swallow it back-
    he choked and cried
    his belly hurt
    and sat at the table
    until after dark

    David who saw
    his mother sexed
    drugged and beat-
    David of endless smiles
    and silly jokes,
    we played tag
    around our fathers grave,
    ran away on our bikes
    and kept the change
    so we could play at the arcades

    David the orphan
    who wet his bed -
    he knew she would hit him
    but left it instead...
    David insomnia
    who slept in my bunk
    only to climb out
    before she awoke -
    David the years
    are full of regrets
    it was no favor to be the favorite;
    he could not have been less loved

    David who felt a belt
    like Jesus felt a whip
    I could hear you scream
    mommy mommy -
    please mommy -
    from the back room,
    She said "you're luckier then me-
    I was beat with sticks"
    but if it was my fault-
    why did you get hit?

    David on my cross
    as I was made to look

    but we were kids
    what could I do?

    David, my sins
    begin with you.






    Submitted on 2006-02-25 19:43:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      oh god.

    i have no idea what to say marco.
    this is so heart breaking.
    im so sorry.



    David on my cross
    as I was made to look


    for me this line encompasses the whole piece.
    thinking that david was the fore runner of christ in many ways this line almost makes me think of premature sacrifice... as if the idea is that david on your cross would atone for everything but... im not really convinced it would have...

    its hard to look. its hard to look away. in situations like this its hard to do/be anything because it all feels so... helpless?

    i am not going to pretend i understand but i can tell you this piece broken my heart in your direction...

    [this has been quite a useless comment... sorry]
    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is heartbreaking, I almost cried. Maybe I would if my heart wasnít so cold. It grew cold with time. Being the older, the first one gave me the opportunity to chose. It gave me certain freedom that she never had. And that is my sin (David, my sins
    begin with you).
    Back to your poem, I think itís really sad and no child should suffer like this. And it must be terrifying to watch someone close to you suffer so much and be unable to help him.
    I agree with nikko, this poem could be cleaned up. I think you should describe less and focus more on the emotions, more on David himself. Those lines talking about him are the most beautiful and touching.
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      ok so you told me that this piece was morphing like the blob so i had to come back and take a look at it again. i think i picked up on some minor changes and so i was relieved. i would have been disappointed if it had grown into something totally and completely different.
    i don't want to seem melodramatic but this poem had an even more intense effect as i read it again tonight. it might be because of my current melancholy mood or it might be because it has had time to settle in my mind. whatever it is, i don't know if i can re-read this again. i can't stomach the pain and guilt in this piece. i like what you said about God hiding behind names in my poem entitled "Ingrid". i was going to change its title until i read that. its true you know... God is there behind the name whether it be in pleasure or in pain. When David gagged and his stomach hurt He was there. And when Ingrid chased her lover into a bed of flames He was there too.
    Keep up the wonderful work.
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
      My first word was going to be "wow". Seems it's been used a couple times already though. ;)

    It's an excellent poem, though I do have two nitpicks that I'll get to in a moment.

    Right from the start, your "as...as" lines drone as a call to prayer, and prime the reader for both the theme and the mood to come.

    Since midival times, David has been considered a forshadowing of Christ, and you've captured that spirit nicely by invoking the suffering of Christ to describe (all too) "ordinary" child neglect/abuse.

    My mother said "you're lucky
    I was beat with a stick"

    I think these lines would read smoother if there was a dash seperating them.

    David who hung
    on my cross
    as I was made to look

    I almost think this stanza can be removed. I don't really see that it adds anything.

    -Frank
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...That totally hits home, I'm am very sorry that this happened. It is truly tragic and I hope that you both came out of it ok. I don't think it needs to be changed it brought a sense of reality to me. It made me feel as though I could see it in my minds eye. I really like it. Keep up the good work
    Raye
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Raye | [ Reply to This ]
      well since you want a "first impressions" commentary here is my first impression....

    drum roll please....

    wow.... i am stunned. i read this with a lump in my throat... very intense indeed. it started off highlighting davids soft features and then proceeded to highlight david's very dark life. there is something very tormenting to know that a situation like this is going on and yet you are useless to do a thing about it- its only a poem for pete's sake and yet you are absorbed into his character. i feel like i know david now too. i feel as if somewhere out there, there might be a david reading this...

    wonderful poem!
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm... the emotion is all here. there's few typos, but that's never a big deal. the feeling is what matters, and to yearn to share your painstakingly earned knowledge comes across as very honorable.

    "I could here you scream"
    did you mean 'hear'?

    'she said "your lucky'
    should be 'you're', and maybe add a comma after 'scream' to emphasize the fact that she's relating to herself?

    "David who gagged his cereal"
    maybe should say 'gagged on', it looks like the cereal is gagging. maybe put a comma after 'david'?

    as i read through this, my own opinion is that there are too many 'i's' and not enough commas. the way you describe the past of someone else and still compare its remarkable similarity to your own life is clear, though it does feel incomplete.

    and with that said, i have to admit, i love this one. the lines
    "David of endless smiles
    and silly jokes"
    could sum my entire life up quite succintly. people may love you for your humor, while never knowing why you always laugh. not that they should know anyway, they probably wouldn't understand. i'm glad i found this poem.

    peace out.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by ghostknight | [ Reply to This ]
      although this poem coulod be cleaned up abit.... i think the raw and dirtier better, sometimes... this poem broke my heart, just as watching Davids pain. not yours. I have siblings ((hlaf) also, and I understand how you feel when their peice of [censored] parents hurt and abuse them and there is nothing really you can do about it except hug them. and it seems to me that your own experiences with abuse was reflected in your accounts of david, becuase you were in the asme place, but I could be wrong
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by nikko | [ Reply to This ]
      ok now that you have posted this photo i am really crying... this is really all too much for me.
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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