Description: suicide: a word feared by many, suicide could mean alot of things the end to love, the end to life and the end of oneself. Suicide has different meanings to each one of us.
*i used to think about it and what facinates me is the fact that we are so fragile that with one small action, one flick of the wrist, everything that we hold dear and everyone we love could be gone forever.
Little Sins -------------------------------------------
The night seeps in through my pores
I sit here listening, waiting
For the sound of blood
I can’t stop thinking
I’m obsessed with the thought
I feel her around the corner
Death patiently waiting for my time
I think about it everything
When I’m in the bathroom
My reflection says goodbye
The blade in my hand smiles
As it caresses my wrist
Thirsty to cut my skin
But I cannot
Something holds me back
And death begins to smile
I adorn my neck with a thick rope
And try to imagine how it feels to float
I gather my courage to swing like the moon
I shed tears because I cannot fly
I failed again
And death laughs
I get into bed
Armed with water and pills
I try to drown the pain
But death holds me back
I wake up to another morbid day
Sick and tired before I even leave my bed
I walk along the train
Its tracks inviting
Calling to me
I want to jump
But someone calls my name
With a sigh I tuck away my thoughts of suicide
And smile as this someone comes my way
Death lingers around the corner
Waiting patiently for my death
it seems as though death is mocking, by it's smile (i noticed u used this word quite a few times). i can remember more then one time, a "smile" has got me in trouble. well, im sure you don't want my sympathy but it just sounds like you need someone to talk to and searching for someone who relates. and there are. as far as suicide, ive attempted that easy escape quite a few times. its too hard for me to believe there's no one in your life you aren't living for. perhaps a little bro or sis.. maybe a friend. these things came to mind before i ever made that next attempt. i never wanted them to ever experience my pain i kept buried inside. anyhow.. that my thought. thanks for sharing and ill see you around. later. sarah.
i think that this poem was well done. the style and format of it was nicely done. the theme itself isn't my style but i can honestly relate to this poem. there is alot that people can draw from in this piece and because of that people can relate and be reminded of either some familiar feelings or situations. many of us have struggled with thoughts of suicide or death whether it be a literal suicide or a metaphysical one and so the reader can definitely be absorbed into a piece like this. i know i was. flashes of my own teenage suicidal tendencies overcame me. but as you wrote, there is something to hold you back (and thank God for that or this poem would never be written). the only thing that bothered me was the last stanza. i think that the ending the way it is now is ok but has alot of potential. perhaps you could style it differently or play with your words to achieve a more drastic effect...
"around the corner it lingers- death awaitin patiently for me..."
or something like that...
overall... you are sixteen i see and i know at this age there is a lot to inspire you in your writing, just make sure you continue to use your life experience and emotions as a fuel for your work. i look forward to reading more in the future....
indeed a powerful piece people hide things, and in this case its death, the ending you choose was great like it didn't matter that you were contemplating death, because in the end it would find you, even though you smiled did it really mean you were happy? i do that a lot smile and be happy, but then behind a closed door, i'm broken and trying to find a way to the end. not really much i can say that is catching my eye although maybe if you put in hints throughout the poem of why death was wanted, it might have made it more powerfull.
Your right, suicide is a word feared by many (referring to 'description'). "i used to think about it and what facinates me is the fact that we are so fragile that with one small action, one flick of the wrist, everything that we hold dear and everyone we love could be gone forever." That too fasciantes me. A whim or a spur of the moment could be all over.
Now your poem: a sad poem which brings some relief to the reader at the end. I liked the whole structure (free verse i think its called). "sound of blood" was a good image and ditto with "armed with water and pills". I think you expressed the feeling of suicide quite well. A really good poem i believe. Though one thing: "i gather my... to swing like the moon". The line's ending is a bit unclear.
OVERALL: excellent poem, definetly original and there could be some improvement but i like it the way it is.
First off Andy let me start off by saying good job. Second, if this is more then just ink and paper im going to kick your ass, you know I'm always here.
Well lets get this started, I personally dont like suicide poems. I just think its a bunch of whiny kids that lack ways to express their emotions. When i read the first stanza i was like "Oh no not you to Andy," but you did something different you took a very common subject and made it your own. That shows skill, and i liked it. All the imagery was so clear and so good, I could picture you standing next to the orange line looking at the tracks and lying there next to your bed with pills and water in hand. Very good overall, nothing really stood out that needs changing.
Submission Name: Little Sins
