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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Icy Watersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jengrr
    ASL Info:    20/McBain
    Elite Ratio:    5.85 - 95/104/22
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 787
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 836



    Description:
       This one comes straight from the heart. This is both an ode to my friends, and a poem of thanks to Jesus for saving me from my sins. This isn't my best piece ever, something's just not right with the flow, so any ideas would be very much appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIcy Watersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Riding upon the swells of life
    I find my ship has sprung a leak
    I start to bail, only to fail
    As lower and lower I creep

    My boat is sinking toward oblivion
    My fate seems more steadily grim
    A faint memory my smile, for all the while
    Hope now to dread has dimmed

    I climb to the top of my mast
    To hold the rising dark at bay
    I send a prayer, "Lord, if you care,"
    Keep this misery away

    Icy water now laps my ankles
    And chills my heart straight through
    Too young to die, my mind now cries
    Then I saw a glimpse of You

    You whisked me from my drowning ship
    And saved my life that night
    You cared enough, when times were rough ---
    Thanks for sticking by my side




    Submitted on 2006-02-25 21:32:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi Jen,
    I think that sometimes flow, rhythm, all depend on how one reads the poem.I think it has as much to do with the readers attitude as it does the writers attitude. I had no problem understanding the poem and thought it had good rhythm. I guess we both got good attitudes the, hu?
    I found it be be a very enjoyable read and I thank you for sharing it...
    Take care Jenn,
    !doc'
    | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello,

    I like the sinking ship metaphor with its comparison to life’s problems often marked stress and helplessness that one feels. I think you have done good with the illustration in this.

    st1: you open the piece with the swells those can be problems/forces that cause one to feel helpless. The ship is often used to display someone’s life, feeling of safety, and/or even spiritual standing. The bailing seems to be in panic; the ship regardless of the efforts is still sinking.

    st2: I like the “oblivion”; it does remind me of the references to the deep such as Davy Jones and the abyss. The stress in those situations is awful; my ship sinks a lot ha, ha.

    st3: I like the struggle to make it to the highest point, that does ring true to self preservation in many stressful situations. dark fate is interesting to use that like you have. But the cliché there I like since it fits with the whole sea theme. The calling up to God for help is understandable given the circumstances.

    st4: The icy I imagine would also be the shock of the event in life. Chilling the heart is also interesting. On the third line it depends on the severity of that problem to know whether it is dramatized or non-dramatized with the addition of “too young to die” The glimpse of the lord is comforting.

    st5: the salvation of the person is wonderful, and the gratitude at the end is also nice.

    I think it has a good message in it. it reminds me of a story with Jesus walking out of the boat when he calls back to Peter (I think it was Peter) to walk out to meet him. He sinks then he panics asking Jesus to save him from sinking. He was saved but the lesson, I believe, was about complete trust. That is what this tale reminded me of. I like it, take care,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      S3L2, "dark fate" is a bit of a sticking point. Maybe: "And try to hold darkness at bay".

    S3L4 should be in quotations.

    S4L3, "Too young to die" may benefit from quotations too - though not as essential as the previous example.

    S5, the transition between L3&L4 is rough. As written, it needs punctuation (likely a dash would work).

    Actually, throughout the poem you could better guide the reader's flow if you used punctuation. Still, your rhythm was good enough job through most of the poem that readers will logicly insert most of the punctuation needed.

    So, personally I'd add punctuation - nothing is lost and there are potential gains. But if you're set on keeping the punctuation to a minimum, you should still consider adding a dash after S5L3.

    -Frank
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
      nicely done, a very sincere feel to this and I like that you put it under friendship.
    S1; you might try "upon" instead of "on"
    riding upon the swells of life
    S2; I think I would drop the 's off boat and change the second line somehow to get rid of the "my", the two "mys" so close together are a bit of a distraction, or just drop the first "my".
    boat sinking toward oblivion
    my fate becomes more grim
    S3; I think "shimmy" is to light a word for this piece, why not just keep it simple and use "climb"? also the use of "fate" again, hmmm, maybe "destiny", possibly change the "my" in the first line to "the"
    I climb to (toward?) the top of the mast
    trying to hold dark destiny at bay
    S4; the only thing I might change would be to drop the "I saw" and just leave it at "then a glimpse of you"
    S5; once again, I think "whisked" is just a bit light, to quick, something a little stronger like "lifted" might work better
    You lifted me from my drowning ship...
    Well anyway, just some suggestions, hope I didn't pick to much.
    A very strong message and excellent start, liked it.

    Milo
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]
      YAY! i love this! it was so encouraging and so well written... praise God that He continues to lift us out of the waters of death, amen?
    you said that there was something not right with the flow... now your rhyme scheme is consistent...
    a, b, c, b throughout the poem... i even like how the third line has a double rhyming pattern within itself. that was nice. overall I thought that it was pretty smooth.... this poem you said came strait from the heart (and it does show) and that always makes the best poetry.
    you know you are always your own worst critic... if you said that this was not your best work then i excited to read some more- especially if its about Jesus.
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]


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