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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A World of my Owndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: necrotic
    ASL Info:    18/f/New York City, Baby!
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 198/94/33
    Words: 492
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 290
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2989



    Description:
       I just want my own world
    and i want heaven to be lower than hell
    i think its funny


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA World of my Owndots
    -------------------------------------------


    The world is unfolding
    unraveling beneath me
    im too strong for this
    my world, it shatters
    im screaming, im fighting
    holding onto the ropes that the heavens feed me
    im turning around to grab your hand
    and you too have left me
    alone in the crumbling ground that breaks beneath me
    my body is trembling
    my voice is leaving on a vacation of destined nightmares
    I'm slipping away to another world where belial is present
    i feel his breath against my lips as he leans close to me
    again the world cracks under my feet
    and no longer am i going to run
    'take me' i whisper to him,
    the lord of hell grabs onto me and i am burning inside
    once again i fall to a realm much deeper than hell
    a land where nothing matters
    where you breath and cant feel it exit your throat
    a place where clouds are made of candy coated drops
    and the skies are painted oranger than a sunset constantly
    heaven
    deeper than hell
    rotten stench comes from the ceilings of all the buildings
    and stains of blood are crumbling the tiles
    i walk around and feel the dirt crack between my bruised toes
    again, i am swallowed into a hole,
    and i am pushed deeper into the universe
    my world
    i am a god myself
    my own adversary
    'El Olam' monsters whisper to me
    bowing at my feet are spirits that followed from hell and heaven
    the tempter is growling so loud i can hear him from hell
    the screams of damned souls run through me and i want to save them
    but i cant,
    i cant move my body,
    my arms are paralyzed and i need my monsters to carry me
    'El Olam' they chant in a louder whisper than before
    i wonder why they are quiet
    but i have realized that if they should scream my eardrums will bust
    and i wonder how they know this
    then i realize they know my thoughts,
    just as we know our father's
    not caring and never saving us
    i shall adjust to my world
    take care of my servants
    'El Olam'
    they scream
    my ears start to bleed,
    but i feel no pain
    and i wonder how they know i can suddenly feel no pain
    even when i didn't
    and i realize...
    that i am god to them
    'El Olam'
    their everlasting god,
    their conquerer
    they come close to breath me in and i am left holding my breath
    a stench from hell lurks around their oras
    'EL OLAM!!'
    i will destroy earth for collapsing on me
    i will kill the shining one for burning me
    i will kill our father for feeding me rope
    for i want to stay here a while,
    and i am constantly listening to my monsters chant my name
    'El Olam'






    Submitted on 2006-02-26 14:52:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow, i really like ur idea of being a god of ur own world, i never thought about that. hell of creative. And I agree with Frankblissett about the punctuation. there were times when I thought the sentence was finished, but it wasn't or when it was but it wasn't. That kinda like took me outta u the hell of creative, dark, creepy world you created. Also some of the places, some of the words u chose, didn't really go wit like the language or idea of the poem. like when u said:

    "eardrums will bust"

    that just didn't really fit. It would have been better if you found some other word that would mean the same thing. like if you put rupture that would probably make it sound better and give a better picture. other than those small things I loved it. lol, i'm gonna stalk u now. Another fav.
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      The lack of punctuation is a bit dostracting. There are places where the reader is left to guess whether the thought has ended or is being continued on the next line, which forces us to pull out of your magic briefly to figure such things out.

    "im too strong for this" was a bit confusing. If one is too strong, isn't that a weakness?

    my world, it shatters
    im screaming, im fighting

    "it" can be removed and the line will feel less forced. Also, (and here we're getting into personal preference more than anything), the other line can be broken into two.
    my world shatters.
    im screaming;
    im fighting.


    Here's an example of where punctuation is needed:
    and you too have left me
    alone in the crumbling ground that breaks beneath me
    my body is trembling


    Do you mean
    ...you too have left me alone in the crumbling ground that breaks beneath me. My body is trembling.
    Or:
    ...you too have left me. Alone in the crumbling ground that breaks beneath me, my body is trembling.

    You can see how the flow of the two are a bit different. Also, the meaning has different nuances - is the "alone" line focused on "you", or starting new thoughts about "me"?

    If you're set against using most punctuation, then you may want to consider using a few stanza breaks to help the reader along.

    Sorry this comment is a bit brief for the length of poem, but I've gotta tend to work.

    Hope this helps.

    -Frank

    ps: Isn't "Anarchy Rules" a bit of an oxymoron? ;)
    | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]



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