Description: this poem talks about the times i cried after i lost Ashley (if you don't know the details, look at my blog). It's an essential part of the grieving process... of course, realizing she's dead wasn't hard to overcome... i was there when they got her into the ambulance.....
they ask me
"where are you cut, broken or paralized?"
i stare with hollw eyes and ask
"where aren't i?"
i reach for the stitches
and the anestetic
but my arms are limp
... so pathetic
i try to stand up
but i slip on my own blood
God damn t it all!
why'd i fall in love?...
and my world falls apart
why the fuck
did i give her my heart
"You've got a hole
where your heart should be"
he gasps and stares
i feel sorry that he doesn't see
what was my motive
what was my reason
why i decided to
against my own self
so i tell him
"it's the cost of love
now patch me up"
but before the bandages
he pours on my blood-
some hydrogen peroxide
at first i feel nothing
and then i cry
he stands over me and says
it'll keep your wounds clean
...he just stood there
and watched me scream...
But if not for that damn hydrogen peroxide
then infections would grow in my heart
and i would probably not be alive
or i'd be swallowed by the dark
" never give u pnever give in" this poem reminded me of how i felt when my bf died and that wan't good . but the poem is amazing your word choise is so potent (spelling?) all i can say is great write storm
You are so special, and don't ever be sorry for loving anyone. Giving your heart to someone is hard, and very brave. Knowing a little more about the background of this poem, the part that stood out the most was:
'But if not for that damn hydrogen peroxide then infections would grow in my heart and i would probably not be alive or i'd be swallowed by the dark'
Those four lines are so powerful. And I like how you decribed your pain in a physical way. It makes the pain seem so much more real to the reader. The imagery you get is gory, but it touches a different place then say, if you would've described it as a storm or something. It definately personalizes it more.
she dies, but you bleed, she goes away and you need the doctor. i think the hydrogen peroxide is everything getting worse, but it being necessary to getting better. think on the bright side- at least the doctor is able to help -Vas
A sad and poignant write. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. You've written this in a way that I almost feel as if I'm the one there feeling the pain. I like how you used Hydrogen Peroxide, and how its sting brought some feeling back into you after the shock of losing someone you loved so deeply. Well done. ~Sandra
This is really deep I believe you used Hydrogen Peroxidide in this poem to explain how your Heart outweighed your mind and let you know everything will be ok I will be praying for Ashley and You God Bless Ron
Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think Thank You Ron
the saddness and feelings are there and this could be a really good write with a the use of a little more description of image if your prefer,I really like the way you started this though I had to read the first stanza twice before I was able to see what you where saying in that line but all in all I think this is a good piece it needs the typos fixed thought adnil
Wow..that's deep. I do wonder why you thought of Hydrogen Peroxide to use and represent your numbness; it's a very interesting choice. I know how you feel. You have a bunch of typos, that can be easily fixed; "now patch me up" sounds a bit too simple, but it's alright, yu don't have to do anything with that. "and syay me scream..." what's syay supposed to be?? nonetheless, it was good; I could feel your pain. Although, at first I thought you lost her as in..you guys aren't together anymore; that part was unclear since you situation is different. I guess a bit more feeling, descriptions, would make it more effective on the reader. I hope everything turns out alright for you.
Losing a person you love is unbearable, losing anyone sux, but when you love you almost die along with them... personally, none of my relationships ended this way, so I don't know exactly how you feel, but the poem was so well written I feel like I went through it with you, its a icy seer in your flesh, its almost like touching CARBONYL FLUORIDE resulting in frost bite. I have gone through pain and depression in my life, but none of it compares to you losing your girlfriend to cutting. I've really stopped, I haven't done it in so long, sometimes I find myself thinking, if only I could just cut myself a little I would feel better, but with the "guardians" I am with now watch me to closely, it wouldn't happen unless I was wasn't with them. I really enjoyed this piece, even though its sad, its my comfort. Vicious