Description: I did this AWHILE back. When I was still rhyming most of my poetry. This happens to be one of my most favorite poems Ive written. Hope you enjoy :D
ps: for anyone who doesnt get it.. "wooden coccon" refers to a casket.
I am -------------------------------------------
Im what goes bump in the night
The one who's middle name is fright
Im always here but out of sight
My wicked ways are beyond height.
Im the one when you say "who's there?"
The one who haunts the night air
I am the chilling, cold dark snare
My wicked ways are done with out care.
Im the poison that kills you slow
The feeling of death from head-to-toe
Im the black winged crow
That pecks your body and takes your soul.
Im the blood that drips from your wound
The darkness that will soon consume
I am the wooden coccoon
That yerns for you when death is soon.
I really did like reading this, even though this is about death and all. You did a fine job rhyming this. There was some places that did not flow as well, but overall you pulled it together. You got enough advise, so I won't weigh you down with more. This was invevtive and creative. Nice work.
there is no need for me to be redundant on the assessment aleady you've already received in other's posts. but just one quick thing to add: the last stanza would sound better written:
im the blood that drips the darkness consuming, the wooden cocoon who yearns when death is soon...
my advise: free yourself from rhyme-scheme regulations and stict adherance to patterns in stanza/structure. that's all for now. later.
Goose bumps. The inevitability of death and the grave. Nice theme.
I can see why you liked this piece. It has a very loud, if dark, voice to it.
I did trip over some of the lines, and would be more than willing to offer my ideas on an edit, if you'd like help with things like capitolization, punctuation, etc.
I enjoyed reading this (That sounds wierd considering the theme!)
I can understand why this would be a favorite of yours - you've got some strong images in it. I do think, however, that it could use some work. You said you wrote it awhile back, and I'm guessing that your writing has changed a little.
I'll start with a question:
Why don't you put it into a more active voice? Rather than saying I'm the one..., why don't you just say "I...", for example, change 'Im what goes bump in the night' to 'I go bump in the night'. Active voice is always more engaging for the reader than passive. (While this isn't actually passive voice, it is more passive-sounding.)
Then, I'd suggest changing one of your 'wicked ways' lines. When I read that at the end of both the first two stanzas, I thought it was going to be a regular repeated line - but that didn't happen. Therefore, it just looks like a goof. I'd change one to something else.
The last line of the first stanza doesn't make sense to me. I know what it means, but it seems more like a forced rhyme. Perhaps it's just me.
Your black-winged crow metaphor is simply outstanding, both lines. Very dark, very easy to visualize. Actually, I think those are the best lines in the poem.
I fully get the feeling of evil, but even though I get it, I don't feel it. Your first two stanzas are rather amorphous, and directionless. The thing you call fright, the thing when you ask who's there - too many words and not enough focus. Maybe that's why the black crow seems so great. It's a complete change from the first two stanzas. I don't know if I'm making my thoughts on this clear, and I really want to because I think it's a big thing for this poem.
The first two stanzas don't talk about a 'thing', they talk about an idea or an emotion, but it is not really identified or given a name. But when you get to the third stanza, you switch to a concrete metaphor with the crow and then with poison that kills you slow. Is that clearer?
And my last criticism, you said that a 'wooden coccoon' is your term for a casket. But the 'wooden coccoon' is yearning for - whoever this is - BEFORE he dies (when death is soon). I would expect a casket to only begin yearning after death. But that one is just my thought on it. I can also see what you mean - or I think you mean.
Thanks for sharing one of your older poems with us. That can be risky sometimes! mae
oh! that was awesome ^-^ haha.. kinda reminded me of the one of the songs in the nightmare before christmas..uhm..haha..dont take this offensively, but i thought that was cute.. like.. idunno, i guess the rhyming.. but anyway, good job ^ - ^
There are some typos and spelling errors here: "Im" should be "I'm," "who's" should be "whose," "with out" should be "without," "coccoon" should be "cocoon" and "yern" should be "yearn."
In the first verse, "chilling, cold dark snare" is kind of redundant. If it was cold of course it would chill you. And in the second, you use the word "who" twice. I recommend changing the second who to "that" instead: "The one that haunts the night air." And I don't think the periods at the end of the stanzas are necessary, since there's no end punctuation in the middle.
I think this poem would be much better if you took all that it said and assigned it to one particular image -- depression or death are the most obvious ones that come to mind. At the moment it seems kind of directionless. What is talking here and why are they so evil?
Submission Name: I am
