A Diary Entry by thehappyfaery

-2/25/06-i think? uhm. what to say? its sunday night (11:30) and I've got school tomorrow. hmm.. I feel like writing, or drawing something, more like writing, some deep intricate tale of two or three lovers or something. I dunno I'm in a weird mood, I keep wondering what its like to be close with someone again ..hmm..,oh, the dreams are returning again and my thoughts are evolving. did i ever tell you, miss, the one thought I use to make myself unhappy when I need to stay quiet (like at a funeral or during a speech when I'm about to break out laughing.) The thought keeps me quiet and stops me from laughing and I have yet to tell anyone what that thought is. I'll tell you miss, what my single saddening thought is and where it came from. don't think I'm demented. this is just how I am. I wish I didn't think this way. My thought is, uhm--well, I think of a baby's head being smashed into a brick wall. yeah. I was watching some movie about Gandhi and some hindu guy goes up to Gandhi and says, "how can I redeem myself? I took a baby and smashed its head into the wall with my hands, just because I knew it was Muslim." And that thought hurt my head. It is now the only thing that makes me stop laughing. But yesterday it evolved. I didn't even try to think of it. now the thought enters my mind and my stupid mind yields to it. i hate seeing babies cry. I hate seeing babies in pain. something deep inside of me.. wants to shove a knife into myself for even knowing of such things, as if maybe if I die, then all the pain and suffering that I have ever known of would die with it. But then the image evolved, the thought formed a clear, concise photo in my mind. I saw a cute little black boy, the most adorable little infant you have ever seen, staring straight at me silently. Then his eyes filled up. blood dripped from the sockets and out of his mouth and down his chin and cheeks and neck. It dripped from his head where he had been smashed mercilessly into roughened brick by relentless hands. i was seeing the outcome of an infant smashed and torn. Its head was shrivelled and streaked with red. a hand was holding it up. holding up the head. its body was detached, but i felt, as i watched this image in my head, that its body was nearby, cold, broken, and spilling blood. i saw this scene in my mind last night and tears slid from my face just as blood slid from the infants. The image of the dying baby, i couldnt bear it, and it was so clear in my mind. The thing that scares me the most is that i couldn't get it out of my head, and it had come so suddenly. theres something wrong with me. even my dreams are getting worse. Shadoe says sometimes its okay to pretend things dont really exist, like my dreams, but what would he say to images like this? I can't help it. I think I'm insane and my hand is shaking a whole lot right now. I've started to randomly shake and not be able to control it, but sometimes it'd go away and then come back. Kyle gave me that spell or charm or whatever to use before I go to sleep, but i keep forgetting and the dreams are just getting worse, more vivid. miss, i don't know what to do, i keep thinking of that poor child..