the oak by elva

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Submission Name: the oak dots

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Author:	elva
Elite Ratio:	3.17 - 21/19/9
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	160
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	547

Description:
ok im totaly open to all critisism i realy need 2 work on my poetry so if i could hear other peoples opinions itl realy help me improve

the oak

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down by the oak,
the twited old oak,
lost spirits now mutter ,
where live people once spoke,

not only they talk ,
but they dance and they sing,
praising the oak,
as if it were a king,

they stay by the oak,
they've no choice,
they are bound,
so they dance there today,
lonley pattern all round,

oh how cruel fate is ,
how sorley forlorn,
that these spirits will dance,
untill gabriels horn.

Submitted on 2006-02-27 16:14:13 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
thanx 4 the comment i really have to work on my poetry but i suppose i didnt put much thought in2 that poem since i wrote it during a paticulary boring maths lesson. thanx again! elva
| Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by elva | [ Reply to This ]
You're right - you do need to work on your poetry. But you've got an interesting idea here, which is a great start. My first suggestion would be for you to ditch the rhyme in this. Very often, people just starting to write poetry think that rhyme is the only or the best way to go, when actually, writing rhyming poetry is extremely hard to do well. I'd save it for when you've had more practice at the whole poetry thing. I think you'll find it easier.

Next suggestion: I'm not really sure what you're talking about here. Are you writing about woodsprites or something like that or are you writing about the souls of dead people who for some reason cannot move on? That really needs to be clarified because it makes a huge difference in the tone of your poem.

Then, I'd suggest cutting each stanza down to three lines. You've kind of repeated yourself in each stanza and you could easily delete the extra lines and only make the poem better. for example:

down by the oak,
the twited old oak,
lost spirits now mutter ,
where live people once spoke,

not only they talk ,
but they dance and they sing,
praising the oak,
as if it were a king,

Try it like:

Down by the twisted old oak
lost spirits now mutter
where living souls once spoke.

They dance, they sing
they praise the oak
as if it were King.

And lastly, watch your spelling and punctuation.

I hope this has been helpful to you. mae
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]

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