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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: His Last Battlegrounddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tissue
    ASL Info:    17/Male/New York
    Elite Ratio:    5.06 - 80/87/33
    Words: 570
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 726
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 3270



    Description:
       Just a glimpse into a scene of a battleground. I don't know if I'll ever develop this into something more. Maybe.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHis Last Battlegrounddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Night was creeping on the horizons, weighing heavily on the land. Before long, it would be even tougher to see who was an enemy and who was not. The two armies took notice, but could not devote too much thought to it for fear of being picked off by the opportunistic archers lining either side of the valley. All it took was a single lapse. Just a single hesitation.

    The training had never prepared them for this. For one, the superficial simulations seemed efficient enough, but there was always something in a real fight that the cadets never accounted for in their fantasies, and usually, they eventually succumbed to it. For some, it was the incessant cries of combat, and the dull moans of the dying. For others, it was the worry of death, bearing down on their soul, making one’s heart heavy. But thoughts of death and pain were usually absent during battle, pushed off to a forgotten corner of the mind and continuously resalvaged for the rest of a man’s life, however long that might be. Each of these soldiers accepted death when they enlisted. In the end, war would claim them all. The lucky would die on the field, ending the pain and supplying a resting point for excess honor. The others would taste the poison that has no antidote, and carry it with them until they, too, faded.

    None of them remembered the real cause for fighting anyway.

    -----------------------------

    Garet tossed a Sparker, waited for the explosion, and fitted an arrow to his bow. He had been assigned to guard the northern hill. In other words, he was to make himself as much an impediment as possible, even at the cost of his own life. He had been taught that self-sacrifice was a noble thing, but he never truly believed it. A martyr was just as dead as the sinful barbarians they were slaughtering. Their method of death did not effect their destination, wherever that might be.

    He caught sight of a bare, hairy chest, and a few seconds later, sent a thin wood shaft straight through it. The wounded man fell to the ground, but started to get back up. By this time, though, Garet had looked for another target. The enemy was a hardy race, but it would be simple drill work for the frontline to dispatch the weakened man. Garet was not well-learned, but he knew enough of the human body to figure that he likely hit something very important. Two similar figures popped up, and each were knocked down by the same bow. Garet was quite good at what he did.

    Because he was so well-protected, Garet lapsed into boredom, as the mind is prone to doing when afflicted with assumed safety. He had trained with these soldiers for months, and had been subjected to the same bitter simulations they had. He felt invincible. A swift, unseen sword-strike corrected that error, though Garet wasn’t left any time to realize his mistake. The same figure that he had shot with that arrow delivered the killing blow, leaving Garet’s body to litter the bloody ground. Six similar arrow wounds and a ridiculous amount of scars were all that the young man saw before his life spirit and his body divorced. He never saw the god’s face, nor heard him whisper the only eulogy he’d ever have.

    “Farewell.”




    Submitted on 2006-02-27 16:51:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You have a good writing style that is easy to read. The story itself was good, but for me lacked a little detail. In saying that, though, short stories with too much detail can upset the flow. However, context, surroundings and motivation are three things that all good stories should have. You do include these elements to a certain extent, but, as mentioned above, it just lacked that little bit of extra detail that makes a good story a great story. I enjoyed it though. Keep writing, as that's the only real way to improve your craft. You clearly have oodles of talent that will only grow with experience.

    :)

    Marcusj
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Marcusj | [ Reply to This ]
      HIS LIFE SPIRIT AND BODY DIVORCED
    AWESOME STORY FOR HOW SHORT IT IS
    I PERSONALLY HAVE NOTHHING BAD TO SAY AND YOU HAVE A GREAT MANNER IN PRESENTING IT
    I HAVE A SHORT ATTENTION SPAN WHICH IS WHY I LIKE SHORT STORIES
    IWOULD HAVE DONE NOTHING DIFFERENT
    I THINK ITS GREAT
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by ledmerc | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought that overall this was well written. I particularly liked the second portion, which focused on a specific soldier. I thought that the character development was done well. I think that the first paragraph about Garet and the last paragraph of the story flowed together well.

    There are only two areas in which I think revision would significantly strenghthen the story. The first is in the second paragraph. I think the use of "for one" in the second sentence upsets the flow of the paragraph. It sets the reader up for a different kind of list than the one presented.

    The second is the transition between the first and second part. I like the last line of the first part, but I don't think it sufficiently prepares the reader for the shift in focus from all of the soldiers to one.

    Overall I liked this. Your use of details helped create the setting and the characters were well developed.
    | Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by Handsoapisgood | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved it. The story skipped a bit between the paragraphs in the second part. I thought the first part was a rediculously good momolouge, and thought that the second part only really brought it down from a 9 to an 8. The first part gave me goose-skin and made me shiver, it was that good. Keep up the good work, and I'm sure someone important will notice.
    Wishing for more
    ~Brian
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]


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