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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Idea Of Life & How Long Gonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 304
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 277
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2019



    Description:
       Here are two poems - "Idea Of Life" and "How Long Gone". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIdea Of Life & How Long Gonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Idea Of Life

    The idea of life to a dog
    Does not exist.
    There is no concept of death,
    Nor is life warm and wet and hiding behind a red curtain.

    Life isn't a thing to be discussed over drinks,
    It is their faith.
    And not the object of faith
    But the tasteless ether itself.

    It is their quintessence --
    Their fifth element:
    Food friendship water warmth life.



    How Long Gone

    So there stood I looking over a broad lawn at the darkened woods.
    How long gone had I been?
    How long?
    Long enough that what had been new was too old to discuss.
    Not long enough that what was fresh was worth bothering with.

    This place was once the whole world,
    But now was as foreign and small as a prison yard.
    Within my gut the monster Indifference took hold,
    From without blackness crept under my clothes, pushing hard.

    The screen door creaked,
    And behind it the silence of my youth.
    I felt his eyes rest weary on my body,
    Tainting my will with the apathy of age.

    Though can I blame him for his silence?
    For his shoes, old and scuffed?
    For his disheveled hair?
    For his occassional vice?
    Can I blame him for his love?
    For his sacrifice?
    For the two feet he lost in stature as I grew from boy to man?
    Can I blame his for being me thirty years from where I stand?

    So there he stood looking over a broad threshold at a darkened son.
    How long gone had she been?
    How long?
    Long enough that her last days were a fading memory.
    Not long enough that what was left was worth bothering with.







    Submitted on 2006-02-27 17:54:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      First one, yup. This is a revision isn't it? If so, then much much better... I especially like the last line. Not entirely sure what the "red curtain" is supposed to be, if anything, though i do like the line.

    The second one doesn't really do it for me. I'm not so sure why, though. It might be that it feels slightly awkwardly worded in the second stanza, so by the time you get to the questions it feels lik you were just being lazy---which would probably totally go away if the beginning was changed. The first stanza, though, is quite nice, although since you're not adhering to a certain number of lines per stanza, I would put some line breaks in the last two lines just to make it easier to read. Just an idea. Oh, and in the last stanza, you reference a "she" but I can't find a female antecedent anywhere... unless by "son" you meant "Sun"?
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      I definitely like the first poem better. The syntax of some of the sentences in the second poem seems a bit awkward. I would also add more line breaks to the first one if it were up to me. Just jumping in with my two cents.

    Idea Of Life

    The idea of life
    does not exist
    to a dog.
    There is no concept
    of death,
    nor is life
    warm and wet
    and hiding behind
    a red curtain.

    Life isn't a thing
    to be discussed over drinks.
    It is their faith.
    And not the object of faith
    but the tasteless ether itself.

    It is their quintessence -
    their fifth element:
    food friendship water warmth
    life.

    Could tweek it more...and more to your stylings. Just thought i'd throw a fresh set of eyes at it. Its up to you. I certainly prefer the first poem to the second...no matter the syntax.
    Hope this helps,
    see you later,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I personally liked the second one better, but I can see tremendous potential in the first one if you're into writing humorous poetry or light verse. Otherwise, who cares? I don't mean to be flippant or demeaning with that, but unless there's something special to a poem about a dog's outlook on life - aside from the fact that you're even writing such a poem! - then there's not much of a reason to read it - and that's my opinion only and not necessarily a reflection on your poem.

    Your second one was interesting because it was a snapshot of your relationship with your father (I'm saying 'your' because that's the way it was written. I don't really know if it's your father) I think it could be improved with a little work, but even on its face, it's an interesting read.

    This is my favorite line:
    Can I blame his for being me thirty years from where I stand?

    Except I think it should be 'blame him'

    I don't quite understand your first stanza, though. Why are you looking at the woods?

    I vote for the second one. mae
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      The crack of a whip cutting the air in half..that How Long Gone a melancholy reverie that sparkles and aches at the same time..it has an immediacy and a distance to it...the forward/backwards swee-sawing of greif and ageing and memory...of attention to life. I can't express better than that how thoughtfully you turn emotions over, like autumn leaves, inspecting the veins and surfaces..spectacular!
    | Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]



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