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who am i


Author: Sundance
ASL Info:    20/F
Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 15 /32 /11
Words: 72
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 759
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 420



Description:


Standing in the middle of the crowd as if your not there, knowing that you can talk without knowing what your saying, look at someone without really seeing them, go on from day to day and not really live.

"Vanity of vanities," saith the Preacher. "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity."3What profit hath a man from all his labor which he doeth under the sun?4One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh." Ecc.


who am i



Why do you look at me? What it is it that you want?
Is it my fake smile
my empty laugh
my hollow eyes, they entice you I see.

My fading skin
my wallowing figure
my swallowed heart.

So disfigured, so pretty
a gem, a beautiful stone
Hard as diamond, cold and drone.

Like the sphinx
Only without the riddle




Submitted on 2006-02-27 19:13:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this peice seems abit cryptic in it's nature. being hard to put my finger on exactly who's speaking. is it the 1st or third person..
i noticed in your description you quoted the words of king solomon in his book of ecclesiastis. his writings seemed cryptic..sometimes i wonder what purpose even this had being writen.. but then again, if its inspired by god.. then..
anyway..
you seem like a very observant person. some people's 'beauty' comes only from the outside, but inside they are hollow and dead. like the diamond you mentioned.
well, although the last line may seem abit displaced.. i guess to express this person who lacks purpose and no inner meaning is like you said: a sphyinx without riddle.
anyhow, thanx for sharing. later.
| Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
  question first...in the first line did you mean

"why do you look at me?"

just wonderin..

i love the first stanza. you trying to figure out why someone would be so interested in seeng or looking at you. asking what has caught their attention with you. is it bad or good or what? i really liked the last line of this stanza..

in the second stanza i dont think i quite understand the last line

"my swallowing heart not being able to figure"

what exactly is that supposed to mean?? just kinda confusing for me i suppose.

i like the imagery you draw when you say my fading skin...it gives the reader a sense of your appearance and also your "wallowing figure"
and i really liked the last two lines...i think they ended the poem beautifully...great write!

thanks for sharin!
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
  A nice concept to create a write around; the mockery of appearance inverted so the viewer is mesmerized but the object gazed upon realizes how false the image really is (as if a celebrity took fame with a grain of salt and a cynical laugh). I would suggest a revision though, there are certain areas of this piece that are repititous to the point of being redundant (the two 'figures' would be a good place to start-your work needs clarification). I'd like to see what the rewrite might look like. Take care of yourself and keep writing. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmm...Very nice,very indeed.I really like this one.I feel a flow of feeling,emotional if you will,coming from this piece,but it is most short-lived and I find that hard to say because it starts out so wonderfully with the flow and the imagery.Other than that ,I have no probelms except with stanza number two.It seems off.In fact,it just strikes as plain odd.I guess it's because you use the word 'figure' twice as a ryhming end-piece.Anyaways,I pretty much loved this.God bless. :-) - Lindel
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by LRRolins | [ Reply to This ]


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