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my hiding place

Author: Sundance
ASL Info:    20/F
Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 15 /32 /11
Words: 117
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 822
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 871


completely raw...unedited....written right when I felt this.

my hiding place

it's that fear at the pit of my stomach
that I can't ignore
for that fear is what drives me
keeps me hiding
looking over my shoulder
flinching and twitching
antsy and flimsy
running and shaking
constantly moving
hoping that oneday I'm safe

hold me close
tell it to me easy
speak softly
just squeeze me
just knowing your here
heart beating
fuzzy feeling
no more fleeing
keep still
feels like eternity
I can stay like this forever

keep breathing
keep breathing
inhale exhale
chest swelling against mine
not wanting to let me go
you hold on tight
no words are necessary now
this communicates better

Submitted on 2006-02-27 20:56:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This is good but it still needs to be changed...
Well, i got a question..what is that fear? Who or what is being feared..sorry i just did not get that part.. the instant fear... your run to your hiding place.That person.With warmth.. all you'll need..You dont want to let go and you want it to stay that way forever.

Reminds me of times..when you are with your loved ones...Its like eternity have just are happy you feel safe...your secured.. you dont have any other fear except for the time that this moment ends and they or she/he leaves you...I feel that fear.
I always fear it.
And everytime i feel it, i am so scared.. i just want to rush into those arms i long for,rush straight to that hiding place that i fear so much to lose...
Sad fact.. we are all alone in this world.. Everything is temporary..It is just my opinion.. But it is how i see everything.
Thanks for sharing this..
| Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by zadhoevlhu13 | [ Reply to This ]
  Not bad for a first draft. Very entertaining. I enjoyed getting into thi one. Very easy to relate to. I think we all have been there.
Might change roving to roaming. I think it reads better. I like the way you used several one word statements to get your point of despiration across.
Over all anice write.
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Man in Black | [ Reply to This ]
  Sounds like you need a hug (or a little physical contact to chase the insecurities/nervousness away). Once again, I see a work that's full of potential and honesty, but needs revision/trimming to deliver the visceral blow to the belly you intended (for instance, you could leap from 'warmth' to 'feels like eternity' in the second stanza without losing focus). I'd like to see you fully develop this write and present it to the world. Take care of yourself. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  i agree with davidhirt in that you could possibly shave a few words from this piece.

in the first stanza,
"it's that fear at the pit of my stomach
that I can't ignore
for that fear is what drives me
keeps me hiding
looking over my shoulder
flinching and twitching
antsy and flimsy
running and shaking
constantly moving
hoping that oneday I'm safe"

do you really need ALL of the words: flitching, twitching, ansty, flimsy, running, shaking, constantly moving, and roving?

i personally think that is a bit much..but i guess thats personal preference. but i think it would make it less cluttered and scattered, and possibly easier to read if you eliminate a few of those words you've thrown in there.

and in the second stanza i think it could do with out "fuzzy feeling" it looks and sounds like it is just thrown in there for some extra wording.
and also in the last stanza i think you only have to say keep breathing once...unless that is you trying to convince yourself to calm down...if thats the case, maybe you could put them in quotations

"keep breathing,
keep breathing"

almost as if you are trying to tell yourself to keep breathing. like you'll die if you dont or something. or even if that is you talking to the other person...i think it would work better if they were in quotes or just took one of them out. i dont know...just another suggestion.

what i got from this is you have some kind of fear inside of you and you are running from it or dreading its going to happen so you ran to someone whom you love and they are consoling you?

anyways good has potential!

thanks for sharing!
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
  raw indeed, and I tend to like raw. there is a lot of emotion in here. the short lines and quick rhymes give this a rather frantic pace, which I think really helps to convey this sort or urgent need for this safe haven you find in this person's arms. and the rhymes are clever, by the way.

one nitpick if you don't mind - in the line "just knowing your here" your should be you're (contraction of "you are") unless you are doing it this way for some artistic reason.

anyway, I enjoyed this a lot. very sweet and something I think we all want to feel, such safety in the arms of a loved one.

just read it again. yeah. I really like this a lot.
| Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  all right, As I Was reading this I got one impression... that you were trying to use as few words as possible, then your poem itself stated that.
That being the case, I say look through your poem an eliminate unneccessary words. Keep your language to the bear minimum to get your point across.
"it's that fear at the pit of my stomach
that I can't ignore
for that fear is what drives me"
Consider trimming it down like this.
"Fear in my stomach's pit
I can't ignore.
Fear Drives me"
Keep your language closer, more trim, and it will enhance the idea of your porm that much more effectively.
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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