Sensual Memories by jaycee

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Submission Name: Sensual Memories dots

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Author:	jaycee
ASL Info:	36/F/ Texas
Elite Ratio:	4.84 - 2397/1162/153
Words:	193

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	372
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1401

Description:
Hmm just something that came to mind

Sensual Memories dots

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Sensual Memory

Feeling sensually nostalgic,
I think of you
as I ready myself for bed.
Each nightly ritual
turns into an erotic memory.

With the stroke of the brush
My hair lengthens
And becomes the silken curtain
enshrouding bold kisses.
Every tangle is your hands
gently tugging as you wrap
it around your wrist--
capturing even as you are captive
within its satin bonds.

The smoothing of lotion into an arm
brings your teasing touch--
so light and gentle it sends shivers
along naked nerve endings.
With every inch along my legs,
I remember your hungry looks
as you lay moist kisses
along the same paths
until every synapse screams
for skin to skin contact.

Sliding aroused flesh
into cool Egyptian cotton
brings a guttural groan.
My body, flushed from remembrance,
aches for you, once again,
even as the satin texture
scrapes raw emotions.
Once my bed was like an inferno
from your heat;
fulfillment only a kiss away.

I lie hollow and aching;
body begging for your touch;
knowing it will never be.
You are but a memory.

jscervenka, 2006

edited 3/2/2006

Submitted on 2006-02-27 22:29:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  damn girl , take a cold shower before you combust, I just got some and I am dying from sexual frustration now, very well-written, I could feel the touches, that was a very good poem.
| Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by brokenmuse | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh man, this is hot, but not hot enough. Be brave, take it a few degrees higher, and it will sizzle without being lewd. I love the concept. I'm a sucker for nostalia, and poems of longing. You added another dimension, physical contact, as a catalyst for memories. Bingo! The perfect situation for dreams of the missing lover. Briiliant!

I suggest the following:

S1 -L1 It's got to be a grabber. What holds it back for me is the word "gently". Something more powerful is needed. Now, this depends on how far you wish to stretch this. "Affectionately" works at one level, beyond that we break the bubble and go for "physically" or even "erotically".
L2 - End it on "you", don't emphasize "ready".Move everything else to the next line.
L5 - End this stanza with "sensual memory".
L6 - Drop "of you". its inherent in "sensual memory".

S2 - L1 "With each brushstroke"
L2 - Change "has gained length" to "is lengthened"
L3 - Change "and has become" to "and becomes". You might also consider changing "the" to "that" as a remembrance tone.
L5 - Add "your". Do it here, because you've done it later and it makes this seem contradictory.
L6 - Change "is" to "becomes". I think it's okay to carry forward the image of things changing, within this one stanza.
L9 - Change "capturing" to "captured" and, perhaps, add a comma after it.
L10 - Drop "shining". It impedes the power of "bonds".

S3 - L1 Drop "the" and "of"
L2 - Change "reminds me" to "brings sensations". ( "Sensual Memories" not mental images.)
L4 - "Nerve endings" to me is too technical. How about "raw nerves" or my personal favorite (and you later use 'raw') "naked nerves". Edgy, but accurate.
L5 - Drop "with".
L6 - Change "I envision" to "feels like".
L7 - Although I like "moist", you might want to consider "loving" in its place. Either way I'm happy.
L8 - Change "the" to "these"
L10 - Maybe "to" for "on". The meaning's the same, but "to" seems to smooth out the bridge to "contact".

S4 - L1 I like "into" instead of "onto" "Sliding into", well, you see what I mean.
L2 - Can we change "tortured" to "unfulfilled" or something more along the lines of longing as a opposed to "pain".
L3 - Change "flushed" to "flush".
L4 - "aches, again, for you"
L5 - Drop "even".
L6 - "my bed was, once, an inferno".
L7 - Drop "burning". Redundant. It's an "inferno".
L9 - Change "fulfillment" to "satisfaction".

S5 - L1 Drop "here".
L2 - "longing" I suggest something more powerful here, for a hotter conclusion, I like "begging".
L3 - "knowing, again. it will never be"
L4 _ Change "only" to "but".

This may look like a lot, but it's not. They're minor changes really. I think they'll help spice this up without destroying your wonderful images and the overall concept. I think you want sensual and not etheral allusions in this . It's the touching and its stimulation that gives this its strength. The stroking of hair, the aplication of lotion onto arms and legs are powerful images and need to be nurtured for all they are worth. Slipping into bed, "scraping emotions" (love that one), missing the heat, again are strong visions of loneliness. And then, when we are all excited and expect the perfect ending, you crush us with "will never be" and "a memory" WOW!, simply WOW!

I have no choice but to FAV this, I just thrill to its original idea, and its "Sensual Memories".

Phil
| Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow... Very good! I like that the poem's rythm is slow and deliberate, but the words describe an overwhelming frustration and inner aching. Way to use contrast! I love it!

~The Original Sock Rocker~
| Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by T.O.S.R. | [ Reply to This ]
  this is so sensual, yet melancholy.. the remembering is vivid, and i love the references to brushing your hair and applying the lotion, all the while imagining your lost lover caressing you.. it is that exquisite ache of wishing to go back to those times.

well done, Jan.

peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  The visual was beauitfully stunning as so easy to see within your description a very touching sad lovely write, I liked the last lines the best of all it complimented an completed this most splendid and illustrious poem
keep tapping thoughs keys
adnil
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Just wow. I may need to walk around now to cool off. I know how you feel. Beause of school and work, my time with my bf is limited. Sometimes, I just ache to see him (if you read my other works, you'll understand). I was hooked by every word and I was blown away by your last lines, "I lie hollow and aching;
body begging for your touch;
knowing it will never be.
You are but a memory"
Memories can serve a good purpose. So please, keep writing. This is now one of my favs.
Peace,
Minsu
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, Jaycee. You took it and ran with it, this is now HOTTTT! Not that it was't before.It just has more T's (tease). Great job of revision. I'm still stunned. Will read this a few more times and maybe tomorrow, when I've cooled down, I might be able to comment sanely on it.. For now, WOW!

Phil
| Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  This one is really sexy (to state the bloody obvious).

In "within it's satin bonds," it should be "its" because "it's" is a contraction for "it is." I think "Smoothing lotion into my arm" is better than "The smoothing of lotion into an arm." I think "once again" in "My body, flushed from remembrance,/aches for you, once again," is understood. I'm also a bit unsure of "even as the satin texture/ scrapes raw emotions" because I think massages or rubs might be better. Alternately, I think it works in a cool way, so that's your call.

I hope all is well,
Amy
| Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

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