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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: she lives in a masqueradedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elva
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 21/19/9
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 143
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 737



    Description:
       eh i know theres somthing really wrong in this poem but because its my poem i cant see what it is. somebody please tell me!
    ps: dont mind the the spelling


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsshe lives in a masqueradedots
    -------------------------------------------


    she lives in a masquerade,
    her life is all about dreams,
    of glittering grinning masks
    and champane and ballgowns it seems.

    she dances so grecefully well,
    she is the masquerade queen,
    she is a magnet to glances of jealousy,
    her life is completly obscene.

    she waltzes and twirls the young night away,
    she knows nothing of sadness or pain,
    she just toys with the men,
    who pledge her their heart,
    she drives them completly insane.

    she lives in a masquerade,
    she is the masquerade queen,
    but she will soon come to realise,
    whatever may seem,
    she cannot live her life in a maquerade dream.




    Submitted on 2006-02-28 04:36:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "she" seems to be the word of choice. i know that you were most likely going for the she does by starting every action with she, but it didnt seem to fit. I like the idea of the girl living in a dream she has to eventually wake up from. over all... i liked it.
    keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by chilz | [ Reply to This ]
      At first, your words flow, but after, you start to use "she" a lot. I do the same thing a lot of the time. I also noticed if you use the same pronoun over and over again, you start sounding as if you are just repeating what you are trying to say. Repition is good sometimes, but i dont think repition was good for that poem. That was still a good, deep poem though.

    Katara
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved the first two verses because they flowed very well.
    Try not to use 'she' to start so many lines. I always try to aviod using the same word more than once to start a sentence/line which appear before or after each other. This just helps to make it more interesting and stops it soundling like a list.
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
      Each stanza is good in the idea and most of the wording but something makes it fall apart.Good but inconsistent in rhym and length.I did like it but ya need to rethink it or polish it.I dont know what specifically to fix so sorry about not being of much help.Your a good writer..keep it up.
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by nosferotu_gurl | [ Reply to This ]



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