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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Musicboxdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 945
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 853



    Description:
       My grandmother used to put me down for my naps by playing these beautiful music boxes. My favorite was one with a little boy and girl huddled under an umbrella that played "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head". It's still one of my most comforting memories.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMusicboxdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Raindrops keep falling on my head..."

    The storm-songs are stealing the mood
    in her curtain-dark bedroom
    It's 3 o'clock and
    my eyes are sliding,
    riding the hum of
    the late August lightning
    fighting and whining to
    stay awake just 5 more minutes

    Her age softened fingers are
    locking the windows
    sealing the sills from the
    wet-warm gusting
    the bureau is busting with
    down pillows softer than
    her kisses and cuddles
    as I slowly go down

    She's lifting the porcelain
    nestled in crinoline
    winding the bottoms in
    capable hands, then the
    boxes are set among
    lipstick and postcards
    and I'm drifting away to the
    raindrops both outside and in




    Submitted on 2006-02-28 21:28:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The flow to this is orgasmic... So perfect it just rolls off your tongue like Italian arias...

    I would change nothing.

    May I ask why you commonly, as far as I've seen, write about older women?

    Do you feel like an older woman?
    Because from your comment to me, I'd place you mid-twenties... and yet you write about 50-somethings...
    Something for the brain to ponder...
    *smiles*
    ~Syn
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed the calm feel of your poem, and how you portrayed the theme and focus of your poem through detailed imagery, rather than simply dishing out your thoughts. I especially liked s3; it's like a trigger for me, and reminds me of falling asleep when I was a child.

    The only thing that confuses me is line 5. I don't quite understand how eyes can be "riding a hum" unless you mean that to be a figure of speech...

    Other than that, I really admire your poem for it's simplicity, form, and theme. It resonates the kind of peaceful atmosphere that occurs less and less as people age. Thanks for your piece, and keep up the good work!

    Jeanny
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by onewingdtenshi | [ Reply to This ]
      I think my mother had the same music box!

    This was a wonderfully nostalgic piece. I could almost hear the thunderstorm and the warmth of the heavy comforters all grandmas have. The smell of Oil of Olay (at least for my grandma) and chocolate chip cookies filling a room full of memories.

    This is what this piece makes me think of.

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      There's a wonderful cadence and melody to this whole piece... like the musicbox of your title. And the inside rhymes sound nice. That song happens to be one of those classics that I secretly love singing along to whenever it comes on the radio lol... so it definitely cast that music in my head when I started reading this.

    I can see this nostalgic scene you have created with vivid clarity, while the rhythm fairly skips along in a hopscotch-playground-innocent sort of way, which ties in perfectly with the theme as I noted before. The wind and lightning that you mention provides a stark and effective juxtaposition to the warmth and love of you and your grandmother inside... while the musicbox's song reinforces this imagery with an aural background. Sorry to reiterate but it's very clever of you how you tied it all in together so seamlessly.

    Critique-wise, the last strophe threw me off slightly - in relation to the innate rhythm of the the rest of this poem. Up until the 'capable hands' part it seemed smooth and faultless to me. What I think might be good would be to shave off a syllable here and there in the last two lines - while 'lipstick and postcards' is a bit of a mouthful they're important details... so the thing I would consider would be slightly changing the last two lines somehow, especially the part 'both outside and in' - maybe reducing it to sound out better? Just a few thoughts.

    But yea, it's a comforting scene that gives me warm feelings.

    Nicely done,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      this seems like it is definitely a meaningful piece to you.
    ...fond childhood memories with relatives and people we love are probably some the most joyful, heartwarming, happiest memories we carry with us.

    a lot of times as we find ourselves growing up we wish we could only go back to those days where we surrounded ourselves with only the people who had nothing but love for us and when we didnt have to care about anything.

    this was a great piece i must say. i love how you were able to convey your feeling of love for these moments in time and your love for this women who was so soft, so gentle and loving towards you without saying "i love my grandma"
    that is a talent that writers must possess in order to be great writers.
    to show, to paint emotions with words without telling them and i think this piece is a prime example of what that might look and sound like.

    this is a great little poem. i liked it a lot

    thanks for sharing
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww...this is nice! My grandmother gave my sister a music box that played this song too and it just took me back to those days. You described the setting so well. A pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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