TIME by faln

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Submission Name: TIME dots

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Author:	faln_angl
ASL Info:	25/f/MN
Elite Ratio:	4.66 - 99/96/17
Words:	121

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	130
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	853

Description:
This is just something I wrote on my cube at work with magnetic poetry.

TIME

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Perfect summers, precious hours
over ceaseless thoughts that linger.
Silent clocks teach endless time
when the heart refuses to beat without tears.
Time, oblivious to the ache that is love,
counts the throbbing beats so rhythmically;
like a jester.

The game relents.
Desire strays.
Hearts mourn for loved ones lost.
Sometimes moments are measured in years.

The days stretch ahead
and the raw, voiceless hours linger.
Time, oh so wise, mocks our measured moments.
For love is endless,
oblivious to the clock's chime.

Years teach time laughs at perfect love
and mourns our moments of perfect desire.
For love is a work in progress
never complete.
And desire comes and goes at will.

Submitted on 2006-03-01 12:33:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Hey,
An interesting piece here, with some nice descriptions. I liked:

Silent clocks teach endless time

It was an original image that stuck in my head.
Things I would suggest you do, if you want to polish it up, is to cut down. I feel sometimes you repeating yourself and this distracts your reader. For example:

when the heart refuses to beat without tears.

and

when the heart pulses thru unrelenting tears

You're saying the exact same thing here. Don't need it. Cut it or find another image. Also, don't like the use of 'thru' you haven't slanged any other words so why this one?

Also, your form is uneven, so I suggest to make it more formal, move your second stanza as your last, as it is the shortest and also, I prefer the ending of it for your poem.
And lastly, what do you mean by 'like a jester'? It doesn't seem to make sense to me. The similie is unclear. And so is:

Years teach time laughs at perfect love

This sentence needs some punctuation, I think. It doesn't make sense otherwise.

Hope this helps. Thanks.

JoKing.
| Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with JoKing... the part

"Silent clocks teach endless time" is a very good line and it is a original. It also makes me think and visual for some reason, which I liked. I also enjoy the part

"Sometimes moments are measured in years."

That is very true I believe. JoKing has done alot for you to go by, but if this is a personal piece that you dont want to change, then by all means keep it that way. But those suggestions are good to go by as well. Thanks for the poem :)

Respect.
| Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by irish storm | [ Reply to This ]
  I think that I know where you're coming from on this one. Hopefully I get it right. Otherwise, I'll feel kind of slow, and this comment will probably not make sense. Here goes my interpretation and thoughts.

I like the way that you built up to your main emotion and idea of love being a work in progress and desire coming and going as it desires. I think that I know how you feel. In the past, I've deeply cared for a few people. I screwed things up and the relationship went to hell. Over the years I've had difficulty with the game. It feels like desire, love, and emotion are fading away and no longer in my grasp, and as soon as I think that I've got it again, it slips away from me. Time goes by, slowly. Mere moments feel like an eternity.

Hopefully that was a nearly close interpretation of what this poem is about...and what it made me think of.

I really like your poetic style...and I still need to read the rest of your work.

Corey
| Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]

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