[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: 6:00 a.mdots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 684
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 543

       I think this is pretty transparent but I would love some reviews.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots6:00 a.mdots

    she woke in the morning
    the delivering moon was to late to leave
    she noticed the stars outsidehanging around until they were told otherwise
    outside her window the black sky pressedon her nightgown
    hanging on a line in the morning breeze
    when she stepped out of bed
    the floor was cool under her toes
    kept this way by the drifts of the unnatural night air
    the world saw this morning
    as the girl slowly yawned
    and they all decided together
    why go to work today?

    Submitted on 2006-03-01 14:52:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      this was really different from you but i think the idea of takinh the day off of work once in awhile sounds good

    nice write and thanx for yor last comment
    good luck to you with all yor endeavors
    all the best
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      I have a few questions about this one...Are those several words throughtout the piece suppposed to be crammed together? It was a bit distracting from the content. I also think that there are several too frank phrases ie-"kept this way by". It was a little jumbled and unclear, but don't be discouraged. Your work is very good.
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice. I think i only understand what i want to from poetry so this is my view.
    Wouldn't it be great if night lasted forever, if you were so spiritually connected with the stars and the moon and the skies that ur will was theirs n theirs urs.
    this poem feels magical. however i wish on line 9, the world you are reffering to is not all other people but her world that saw this new morning. In that case line 11, "and they all decided" refers to the black sky, the stars outside hanging, the unnatural wind and her. The stars, the night, the moon and she dont wanna go to work and do what they usually do everyday and kill the magical moment. Maybe cuz im unclear about the last line "why go to work today?" is the morning so beautiful she wants to do something different for the rest of the day, or like i feel is it because she doesn't want to go to work so she can go back to sleep. Your poem is occupying a lot of mindspace so i guess i really connected to this one. the imagery created by line 6 and 7 was good. From the warm cozy bed to the cool and fresh, can almost feel it. I really enjoyed this. Good work
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by strike three | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To Glow written by krs3332003
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To written by SavedDragon
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    This written by Chelebel
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Bond written by saartha
    The Promise written by annie0888
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Whiteout written by layDsayD




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]