Drifting by Candale-Switch

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Drifting dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Candale-Switch
ASL Info:	23/M/WA
Elite Ratio:	1.34 - 42/31/7
Words:	80

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	241
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	606

Description:
Realizing over time that I have been separted from someone that I loved and whats its done. Any ideas to help pull the concept together would be hepful.

Drifting dots

-------------------------------------------

Time passes swiftly
like night's darkness,
Becoming hung ashore
Tonight awakens to mourn.

Love within furnishes
what it won't let go,
Rising emotion boils
Memories to surface.

every tear a memory
each blink a closure
that flashes then drips away
to a story in a puddle.

Love's timeline
Finishes the
Reflection of
A new moon.

Push off and
catch a wave,
drift away into a dream
with a different ending

Submitted on 2006-03-01 23:23:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Interesting that you remind of another writer here, the style is very much the same. And I see beautiful metaphors that express your feelings, quite vividly. You gave the story of your longing in the intro and I'm glad to have it as backround.

But I challenge you to write it into the poem itself. what was your friend like? why did you part ways? Because what you've given me is only part of the story. And I do like your ocean metaphor, it's lovely, maybe something might come from it that feeds into all of this? And thanks for sharing your poem too,

Nan
| Posted on 2006-11-15 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  im guessing that because you chose the 'bash it' as your commentry type, you don't really like this poem yourself. were you after pointers to improve it?
personally, i think it's fine the way it is. there's a lot of emotion here that i think many people can relate to.
i have to agree with Mr_Eff, i especially like the line ~

'Tonight awakens to mourn'
thats beautiful,
another great write.
michelle
| Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
  the words flow together making storys but the wording in poetry standards dont ryhme so this would be free verse, right? Its original in its own cateigory(sp) do you like it though?
| Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by nightxassassin | [ Reply to This ]
  i can't get the last 2 lines of the second stanza. I really like it tho, its inspirational and the mood is something that a lot of modern poetry has forgotten. I like ur style, feels like reading poetry by yeats. Personally i would love to drift away and it sounds so simple... but sometimes i feel i am tied ashore. I can totally connect. Wish more people wrote like u. great
| Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by strike three | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the overall effect, but my particular favorite was the part where the "night awakens to mourn" I lust after a play on words. Slick, and well placed. I'm forced to go over it again, to see if I find more tidbits.
| Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by Mr_Eff | [ Reply to This ]
  it seemed kind of like scattered thoughts to me...not really connected enough. i got side tracked and felt disconnected when reading this. HOWEVER...i loved your word choice, and my favourite part of the poem had to be:

"every tear a memory
each blink a closure
that flashes then drips away
to a story in a puddle."

because it's just a beautiful, beautiful stanza.
keep writing. <3
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this one
To me this write speaks of how everything that happens in life leaves a memory in our brain
Be it good or bad it will always be there
I really like the way you wrote and structured this
This remindds me a lot of my writes
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.