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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Space Between Starsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 858
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 466



    Description:
       Part two...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSpace Between Starsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Before sorrow
    swallows us
    in the maw
    of this wide winter,
    I must
    rise from
    cool, white ash;
    the soul of
    a dead December.

    Volcanic pinpricks from
    a splintered hell
    paint landscapes
    in absentia,
    as words roll from
    a swollen tongue;
    the indifferent stump
    in a fond farewell,
    scented with the sweet
    unknown, stumbles
    to oblivion.




    Submitted on 2006-03-02 01:35:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      bill, this one really touched my heart. i know everyone says this, but its true, the imagry here is exqusite to say the least.

    i literally felt the pain of this piece. to me its seems that two lovers are faced with such an horrific hardship that if not fought against, if not attacked as a team, they as well as the relationship will be devoured by the circumstance.

    i love how you say "maw" here. it denotes an even stronger, more animal like, consumption. i could feel the teeth bearing down on the lovers, savoring the delicacy that is this painful romance.

    however, i do see them rising from the cold dead winter. the hurt will not keep this couple apart. love runs to deep. they will conquer all that confronts them.

    well maybe i am just too hopeful, too romantic, i don't know. i just see hope in this piece. i know that the winter depicts the cooling of the romance once shared. i know that it seems that there is a great absence between them. nevertheless, i believe in true love and i believe in indomitable hope. i will choose to "stay gold" on this poem.

    forgive my lame comment i am very new at this and i am still learning to read poetry critically.
    your the best bill.
    ~john-paul
    | Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the fire and ice duality in this piece. Mostly because the subject can seem cliché on its merrits but you took it by the horns and worked it into something not only quite beautiful but powerful and new in tone. This is some of my favorite kind of writing because not only do old assumptions need viggilance and re-examining but old wisdom can be lost and needs to be ever rethought and reworked. I very much admire this on these merrits.

    The opening stanza makes me think (for reasons I can't fully explain) like I'm standing on a presipice and looking on a scene I can't make heads or tails of but has the loggic and sense of a dream that you can't quite shake from your head.

    The second, with its volitile and casual immages mixed togeather in a serene tone really takes the breath away.

    MacSidhe
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by MacSidhe | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I am not very sure where to start. This quite a piece. I love the ideas that come when "december" is in the subject. I have a one titled "December" for just this reason.

    "I must
    rise from
    cool, white ash;
    a dead December."

    This is my favorite line. The sense of getting back up after a long fall. A long period of being beneathe the snow basically. This seems to be an inspirational piece. Something to think about when it comes time to stand back up even after so much time. Great work on this. I really have no nitpicks with it... Beautiful...
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by mywordscutmetoo | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the scenery of this poem it Makes me see everything and nothing all at the same time. I haven't seen a poem such as this in a long time.
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by Sharati_hottie | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, good sir, an excellent poem. I felt a sort of Dickensian sorrow, but it may be because I'm reading "A Tale of Two Cities"- this poem reminds me of the book, with its sweeping statements that seem to boldly and angrily characterize the time period it represents. Rising from the cool white ash: quite an interesting reference to the phoenix, except its feel is so different: indifferent perhaps? because of the cool, bland imagery?
    The second stanza quickly sheds that imagery, however, and has the anger that I referenced earlier. The swollen tongue is a weird image, but in a useful, hopelessly modern way: inability to communicate, evenb when you have the means so luxuriously at your fingertips. And characterizing the unknown oblivion as sweet was rather unexpected, but.... uh... lost my train of thought. A very strong poem, keep it up, etc.
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by franksinatra | [ Reply to This ]
      Part 2? Which is part 1? I get the sense of rebirth and the need to awaken the soul before it is swallowed by spiritual emptiness and coldness. The deadening of the soul.

    I must
    rise from
    cool, white ash;
    the soul of
    a dead December.

    The imagery here is stunning.
    beautiful poem
    take care
    nessie

    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm, I seem to get the rebirth theme again, Bill, is the whole series about either re-incarnation or spiritual development?

    The 'volcanic oin pricks" gave me a drug thought, which may also be medically related, so one take could be the lengthening of our life spans by modern medical breakthroughs.

    Just as enigmatic as part one, but still very riveting, now part three is a must.

    Interesting, and good inspiration

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I almost got the impression that this poem should be called "A Dead December". It just doesn't seem to have anything to do with Space Between Stars. Never mind... I'm an idiot. The space is a vast nothingness. I get it now.

    I can relate with "stumbles to oblivion".

    I've read a few of your poems now and I really like your style. There's no unneccessary chaff to blow off when reading your poems. Keep it up :)
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by Shaqua1973 | [ Reply to This ]
      Some poems I need to read only once and they are still good. Some I need to read several times and they are still good as well.
    This I had to read a few times and will again. It was great to see that some still sharpen their pens before they write.
    D
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my, such different styles of writing we have, you and I! And I am so-o-o not any good at analyzing obscure poetry (and even if you don't consider this obscure, it is certainly less straightforward than what I write.)! I can offer nothing of value - but I can tell you I enjoyed the wordplay. I'm sorry. This is such a wimpy review. sigh. mae
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      Firstly, as usual, that is one wonderful title, suggesting the gaps in the sky like the gaps in the persona's life. Wow.
    I found this one of your more accessible writes. I thought, and of course I might be misreading as I’ve been known to do, that this poem was about absence. I find the opening to be very dramatic, the idea of winter opening an insatiable wide mouth that was rich with the sadness associated with the season, and then the idea of the persona conjuring the memory of ‘cool, white ash’, something that suggests past heat, from December. This close to the first stanza indicates that metaphorical nature of the first, that it is not only literally winter, but having been denied a source of heat, it is also metaphorically winter, a time of great grief.
    The exquisite misery of winter has long been something that fascinates me, the idea that December has passed and with it all the hope of that month, of what might have been a love affair or dear friendship that has ended, or simply the process of moving. I especially loved the combination of lots of violent imagery; ‘maw’, ‘volcanic’, ‘splintered’ with the morose ‘wide winter’, ‘dead December’, ‘fond farewell’ and ‘scented the sweet unknown. This leads me into my final point, in this poem, as always you use the most beautiful alliterative pairings and sonics just seem to highlight the beautiful images.

    Peace and love,
    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      "Before sorrow
    swallows us
    in the maw
    of this wide winter,
    I must
    rise from
    cool, white ash;
    the soul of
    a dead December."

    Do I have to tell you have awesome the imagery is here? Because it so obviously is. white ash...dead people? snow? snowflakes?


    "
    Volcanic pinpricks from
    a splintered hell
    paint landscapes
    in absentia,"

    It's imagery then, bam, absentia, did you make this word up? Can't find it in the dictionary. If you did it's great.

    I know this was a lame ass comment. But I can't find anything to critisize or critque.
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the tongue hitting the stump, being stumped by the coldness of space is quite an image. To have one's thoughts cooled enough for gradient emotion, choices that would be the thicket that rises from a write like this.

    But I can see how peering around the corner into warmth is how you, the artist, paints absentia indeed. Now you're ready to take on the art of life? beautiful! between the stars is where dreams begin..

    can we see more in this series?

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      To rise from winter's dreary grasp before we get swallowed up in its denseness. White ash- meaning snow? I really like the first stanza. It's a poem within itself.
    I have to admit, I did struggle a bit with the last part. Although, I did appreciate this line, "Volcanic pinpricks from
    a splintered hell".
    The rest was uncertain to me.. but still...
    my eyes return to the top stanza...Excellent!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I've read this and I have to say I feel good for knowing what "in absentia" means, though I've not seen or heard it used since I was in class at high school.

    I've read this, I will go away, think about it, read it again, no doubt change my mind several times about the meaning.

    I like the imagery of the Soul of a dead december stanza. I have to admit, I don't know what "maw" means. I mean, come on, it's a 3 letter word and i still havent got a clue.

    Sorry these comments are bollox, I just need more time to try and understand it. I see the pictures, but whether or not they're the pictures you meant me to see I'm not sure of.

    Best of luck to you Bill,

    Jay
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]


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