After Hooking -------------------------------------------
6 am early in the city
drove down in my auto
stopped to get me coffee
sitting at formica
napkin at my feet
doughnut on a plate
steel rimmed glass door opens
she walks briskly in
eyes guarded
hair not real blonde
sex written all over
probably a professional
from the tilt of the jaw
probably a hooker
coming in for warmth
waiting for her john
to come and take the cash
she sat stiffly
watched her coffee steam
added cream
added sugar
opened her heavy purse
pulled out a novel
started to read
I saw her shift
I sensed her relax
altered
I thought of hands releasing her
of marks fading
of a warmth not so glowing
her posture softened
her coat became a nest
as she settled into the story
I sipped my coffee
thanking God for giving us
after a hard drive grinding uphill
the ability to shift gears
and cruise for part of the ride
An interesting, engrossing write. Let me start with some nits: In L1, “am early” seem redundant. Yes, they sort of emphasize the mood, but that could have been done in other ways – “sunrise in the city” or “cold dawn in the city”, etc. I notice this tendency toward renduncy, and perhaps that kind of “natural” speaking voice is your aim, but lines like “DROVE down in my AUTO” kind of grate for me. That’s my own view. L3: Was that supposed to be “my coffee”? “Hair not real blonde” is a bit confusing. Do you mean not very blonde, or fake-color blonde? “She sat stiffly” is not very stiff. I think something like, “sitting stiffly” or “stiff-sitting” would paint the picture more indelibly. I suggest for “after a hard drive grinding uphill”, “a hard-drive, uphill grind”. I think it conveys the grind a bit better. Next-to-last line might work better as “the knack” instead of “ability”. As for the overall voice, I felt it was fairly natural. Though the images were pretty clear, the mood and emotional reaction of the speaker were clearer still. To some extent, the insight into the character of the subject became the witness – the first person. fred
What a beautifully written work that sarts out tragic, but comfortable, and then switches at the end, like putting on a favorite pair of slippers. I love the way it switches gears most of the way through. Truly a peice of verbal art.
stylistically, i dont know if you noticed, tbue the transition from the awkward feeling to the relaxed rythm towards finish was accomplished by a variety of methods: excluding the subject of the sentence, skipping necessary possessives, essentially, skipping the initial story, much as she is denying the "before" of this poem.
my favorite peice of diction is warmth not so glowing.
glow connected to afterglow, to secual glow, to the vacant glow of such a "hooking", the glow of flourescent lights not candles.
she read she relaxed
that bothers me, because it seems you've made the transition to smooth before that line, and yet you go back to a rough voice there. to set off last few lines in their smoothness maybe?
note: you reuse teh word relax. it lessens its closing power i think.
3rd to last line, try it with "and I thanked God . . ."
did she come in to reorganize? is that the right word? organize? or re-steel herseld? or remember herself?
eyes tightly forward? i think vacantly, haughtly, intensely, . . . think about tightly.
all in all a solid write. make sure you know exactly which lines are and are not meant ot be choppy, and where the transition is.
All in a day's - or night's - work, huh? What an interesting observation. I really enjoyed this. I only encountered one little hiccup - the word auto in the second line. Wouldn't most people say 'car'? But whatever. Good poem. mae
well done. i like the changes, but the last word seems funny. coast isn't it. this isn't about letting everything go. this is about remembering what's important. relax was closer. maybe youc an use relax last yet, and use loosen earlier. but teh other changes are good. eyes guarded is good.
I loved the structure blew me away. It was mellow and ordinary but also fierce; such as when the assumptions were being made by the character such as:
sex written all over probably a professional from the tilt of the jaw
It's very difficult for me to express how good this is because I'm still trying to collect my mind together after reading it. Even the simplicity used to describe objects was very good; adding to the aggressive edge in the poem as they are direct and plain. I love this!
Submission Name: After Hooking
